oh yea...

 I graduated!  in may, my master's degree in school counseling was finished, and I am still a bit in disbelief.  not that I would achieve my goal, but that it is complete!

one of my senior girls from school gifted me with these lovely rose-coloured glasses before she graduated.  I posed for this picture to send to her, and I think it sums up how I feel about reaching my goal.

woop woop!!!  :)

cheers,
kb.

messy.

by:  charlie mackesy.

today in dallas it is cold.  like blustery, turn your umbrella inside out, winnie the pooh sort of hundred acre wood outside of london cold.  complete with the sideways rain that makes it feel like someone is spitting in your face.  this kind of weather sort of feels like that... like someone is being deeply annoying toward you.  it feels pretty miserable.

though I miss london often, I can be honest and say that the only thing I miss about these types of days is sitting inside relishing the cup of tea and biscuit I got to eat in relief from having escaped such ick.

some days and seasons bring such important lessons that words fail me.  and that makes me feel a bit off-centered, to be honest.

sometimes silence and space are my teachers....
where sadness can sit.
where situations can shift.
where smiling eyes can re-emerge.
where soothing can surface.
where skyscrapers can source.
where strength can rise.

life is messy.
people are messy.
I am messy.

I am thankful that also in my experience the weather changes and relief comes.
you know, london is actually not nearly as foggy and dreary as its reputation would have you think.  spending some time significant time living within its confines revealed a cozy, approachable, often sunny city which welcomed me as I got to know it, no matter how often I got lost as I tried to navigate its tricky paths.
we struggled, certainly.
and also
it became an important piece of my definition of home.
tension has the possibility of leading to deeper trust.

kb.

more than.

theeverygirl.com

sometimes noteworthy people appear in your life when you least expect it.  I suppose most of the time those who truly surprise me, well...surprise me with their "showing up".  

in recent days, I often find myself looking down or just in front of me, at a book, at a computer screen, at a person sitting across from me asking me a question, rather than looking up to observe, to take in my surroundings.  

when I do look up, I find they are ever filled with potential... 

connections.

opportunities.

spaces to grow.

fun.

encouragement.

depth.

ease...

oftentimes my fear and anxiousness about the unknown stops me short of seeing or stepping near possibility or prospects, but recently, 

I looked up.

I reached out.

I leaned in.

it was a good choice.

living life to the full for me seems to consistently compel me toward "letting go a bit and letting my hair down", as someone recently told me.  it is certainly a process, as years of conscientiousness pervades my default mode.  

I love surprises.  

and surprises make me nervous.  

in my experience, anxiousness never fully goes away.  to be honest, I would not want it to do so, as it feels like my friend and familiar companion since I was very young.  

the key for me, I have found, is to not give it the power to lead.

it can be present, as it is useful and beneficial to have in my back pocket, but I aspire (and recently have felt a few more victories) to keep its stubborn grip off my spirit, to keep it from dictating what I will and will not do in my daily life.  

I feel like joy can activate jealousy.  from others, but even more often from within myself, in a weird way.  when lightness, silly, and spontaneous laughter begin to creep into my heart, it feels at times like a thief who is determined to squash that glee out of spite appears, especially when joy might have been kept at bay for awhile.  

it is as if a battle is on 

to silence the good.

today I am thankful for strength to stay in the battle, 

determined to fight for the good, 

choosing to be in the 

vulnerable, 

awkward, 

connected, 

challenged, 

refreshing, 

honest, 

seen 

space of joy.  

I am thankful for potential in others and in myself...

in our abilities as humans to grow, learn, and develop new philosophies, theologies, and strategies.

in our instinctual compulsions to connect, to smile, to ask questions, to care, to seek depth, and to play.

bob goff.

happy sunday.

kb.

outside...

love lives outside of time.

choosing to love is a decision, I believe, but as many decisions are prompted and encouraged by our feelings, the heart holds hands with the head when we love someone.

my grandfather passed away seventeen years ago.  it seems like less than that in my mind.

in college, I dated a boy for less than 6 months, but in my heart, it felt like 6 years when we broke up.

friendships formed and fostered in a particular setting with shared experience which might last days or weeks only can feel like a kindred spirit found for life.

when a connection is made, 

when intimacy is fostered, 

when memories are shared, 

when care is experienced, 

time does not make sense. 

time is irrelevant. 

in my experience, the best moments of life exist outside of time, when I forget to look at my watch or think of my next appointment. 

love is more than.

 love is our common denominator. 

we all know what it is to have it. 

we all know what it is to lack it.

'tis better to have loved and lost 

than to never have loved at all.

                                                     ~alfred lord tennyson

I agree with mr. tennyson.  

oftentimes I feel like this quote is used in reference to romantic relationship type of love.  

as we all know, loss of love takes many forms.  I feel this quote holds up for any type of love. 

I like to look for common experience as I navigate life amongst and in the midst.    

we all have love in common.

love is a risk.  we all know it is possible that it will be lost.

I will forever believe it is worth it.  

I hope today finds you aware of love in your story.  

may we all keep hope alive that love is present and living.  some days we might have to look a little more diligently to find it, but it is there.  

love lives outside of time... yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

cheers,

kb.

sois doux...

it is not a newsflash that language holds power for me nor is it a surprise, I think, that I love to study and learn.
a few years ago when I found myself feeling particularly antsy about the absence of international influence on my day-to-day, I enrolled in a french class.  my heart soared with joy and trembled a bit with nervousness as I worried about my progress and performance each week.  since those days in class, I have kept this language close even if for my own smile inducing knowledge base when I overhear someone speaking it.
sometimes I translate a phrase I have found significance and support within from english to this lovely other language which holds such a captivating tone.
recently, my days have been a bit more mindful, which has enlivened my spirit and brought a bit more peace.

sois doux.
be gentle.

a statement heard so often from a parent to a child as this little one learns how to utilize his or her fine motor skills.  we even use a gentle tone to direct them to model care, as we remember that they are little and need to learn how to lovingly attend to other people and things.
these words make sense to me in regard to relationship with others.
with myself?
pas toujours.
not always.
I find myself saying often that I believe we are all little ones on the inside.  I believe this statement to be a truth, an encouragement, a connector, a frustration...
mostly as a refreshment.
I wonder what today would be like if we all chose to be a bit more gentle with ourselves,
like we do with little ones without even having to think.
and when we forget to do so, what if we were gentle in our redirection, too?

I read not long ago a quote from my friend, bob, which made an impression.

"whether we want to or not, we memorize what we do repeatedly."  

sois doux avec toi-même.  

be gentle with yourself.

just a few thoughts I had today as I work to finish up my summer semester of grad school.  

two papers left to write and then a month off!  huzzah!  

a few days at the beach to follow for a bit of a holiday. 

the week after, preparations begin to start new work at a job where I get to practice a bit of that french language I love and work to help kids navigate life.  I will certainly need to remember to sois doux avec toi-même as I bumble my way through my attempts to use my elementary skills.  

cheers,
kb.

presence.

today, I had breakfast for lunch at the adorably endearing caffe and wine bar around the corner from my apartment.  it feels like you are sitting at a sidewalk café in europe.
my heart is happy there.
they serve coffee so hot, you have to wait to drink it.  if they bring you milk to put in it, as I always ask for, the milk is heated up.  if you order sparkling water or soda, they ask if you would like them to pour it for you.  they care not how long you sit and eat your food at your leisure.
my heart is happy there.
so, this afternoon, as I sat feeling light, looking at the tree-lined streets of my neighbourhood with eyes that felt clear and sharp like I had just put in a fresh pair of contact lenses, I read a book about emotional agility.  I am taking an elective this summer semester in grad school on mindfulness, essentially the choice to live in the present moment with acceptance and kindness, so I do find myself being more aware of my surroundings than I have in recent months.  I am thankful to be reminded to do something I feel I have an instinctual (both by nature and by excellent mentoring over the years) tendency toward.
perhaps some of this practice is, indeed, seeping into my daily life.

ok, that is a long preface to get to the point of this story.
shocking, I know.  :)

as I finished the last bites of my divine bagel sandwich, a couple walked out of the caffe.
I did a double take and tried not to gawk.
this couple was familiar to me.
I do not know their names, but I certainly knew their faces and had seen them before.

earlier in the week, I tried a new coffee shop a few miles down the road.  I adore coffee shops, and finding the spots where I can take my computer to work on homework, people watch, read a book, or all of the above, is always on the top of my list of favourite things to do, especially when I move to a new neighbourhood as I have done recently.
this coffee shop is in an odd spot attached to an office building, not exactly an easy find.  I drove past it even using my GPS the first time.

as I sat trying to force myself to focus on getting work done, a couple came in and sat next to me.
I remember being a touch annoyed, wondering why they needed to sit so near when there were a  number of empty tables elsewhere that did not seem to invade my space.
quickly my disdain turned to delight as I listened to the two giggle at one another as they spoke.  she brought him a gift of cookies which she gave him nervously.
he giggled and thanked her acknowledging a previous conversation that led her to buy them for him.
I tried not to draw attention to myself or to eavesdrop impolitely.  their interaction was lovely.
they inspired me to write...

a couple sits to my left in a new coffee shop find.
they giggle at each other which exhibits a contagious spirit of all things kind.
at a glance they appear an odd match, if on a date they happen to be,
then again, who am I to decide who should be a "we".
she gave a gift to start.
he shared SNL parodies which certainly are filled with art.
the joy makes my eyes smile,
as I have not observed others in a while.

this SAME COUPLE walked out of my favourite caffe this morning!
the.
SAME.
COUPLE!
I had to suppress my grin and try not to stare.  she held a gift bag which I can only assume was a reciprocation of the gift she had given him earlier in the week.  they were smiling fondly at one another as they chatted on the sidewalk before hugging goodbye.
I couldn't believe it.
I still cannot believe it.
I feel like I have gotten the privilege to witness a bit of their friendship, and it makes my spirit smile.

you never know what you might notice if you
choose.
to.
notice.

happy friday, friends,
kb.

winter? in texas...

seasons are key.
in texas, seasons are sparse. it is 70 degrees in february, and you can walk to lunch from your office.
the walking, I fancy.
the up and down climate...?
well, I believe in
and prefer seasons.

life is filled with uncertainty and chaos, and without some predictable elements, I confess I often feel out of sorts.
this year began with more activity on my calendar, and I am thankful, as these planned events all are filled with people work of various kinds... all moving me toward finding my heartbeat which has felt a bit distant in recent years.
have you ever spent time away from your joy center?
away from the work that exhausts in envigorating ways?
sometimes a break is needed to recharge, refresh, and renew.
sometimes those muscles which were worked so rigorously for so many years feel a bit weak and need to be attended to more mindfully than before when novelty and innocence abounded.

muscle memory.
it is a real thing.
I find myself realising that I have to be patient with myself as I ease back into using instincts and learned skills which are foundational in my spirit. many of these abilities have laid dormant in recent years as I have explored and tried to sort out the next path.
I am working to remember what I do well.
where I thrive.
where I come alive.
where my joy is contagious.

sometimes life and obligations cloud and distract from bigger perspective.
at times people pull me off track and trip me up.
life is a battle.

may this year continue to find me fighting for the joy of making a positive impression on people with whom I have the privilege to do life alongside.

cheers,
kb.

swim.

a good teacher encourages a students to believe in oneself.
clearly, we are not all adept at doing "anything we put our minds to", despite that early cheer from many of our parents when we were little ones.
if we could do anything, well...
if I could do ANYTHING, well, I would probably not engage in much.  in fact, on days and during seasons of life where I have infinite time with little structure, I do just that...very little.
direction is necessary for me to feel able to focus.
self-awareness enables me to move forward...toward.

a couple of weeks ago, I spent five days in colorado diligently working on counseling skills.  not techniques really.  more lessons in listening.
each day brought challenge and stretching.
I had fun.
it turns out I have chosen a field that does, indeed, suit me.
I learned.
this master's degree I am pursuing is making me a deeper, better version of me.  not a new me.  a deeper version of me.  I like it.

at times, I feel like a broken record, playing the same song again and again, speaking of transition, change, and rebuilding my nest.  at the same moment, I think, aren't we all going through these stages?  starting over daily to work toward becoming and nesting?
I told someone recently that I feel my sweet spot may be where familiarity and mystery connect.
my rootedness and desire to be known needs some run-ins with brand new relationships and change of dynamic.
I need risk.
it makes me uncomfortable.  it humbles me.  sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe.
I need risk.
I also need roots.
they make me feel safe.  I smile more.  I get to be silly.  I feel supported.
I need roots.

swim.
feel the bottom of the pool.
know your muscles remember what to do.
push off the wall, float, breathe.
find a rhythm, and relax.
swim.

a steady job.
a new nest to be found.
studies abound.
relationships to deepen.

happy summer, friends!
cheers,
kb.

eyes that smile...

do you know what things in life make your eyes smile?
in my experience, it is of the utmost importance to remember said things and keep as near to them as possible.
I have at times made a list.
it helps.
my list is quite lengthy, as I am easily entertained and often a small child, but recently as I strive toward gaining a bit more focus, I see three items that rise to the top:

accents.
kiddos.
counseling.

my friend, tomàš is czech.  he was one of my manager's at a job in colorado, and he is delightful.
truly delightful.
one day, on a particularly stressful, frustrating afternoon working alongside this sweet man, I made a statement to the effect of "tomàš, this is ridiculous!".  in one of those providential moments, I thought to ask him how to translate the word 'ridiculous' into czech.  he thought for a bit and declared,
"hloupy' (hi-lōpē)!".  I replied, "yes!  that word even sounds ridiculous!"
and, so it began...  tomàš would teach me more and more words and phrases in his native language, and we both were both entertained and soothed by this distraction from the deep frustrations we faced at work.  oh, wait.  our language lessons actually started after I recognized a word he used in speaking with another czech who worked at the resort.  he said, "dobre", which means, 'good'.  I recognized it from a trip I took years ago to bulgaria.  saying "dobre" and showing a thumbs up was literally the extent of our ability to communicate for many of us.  tomàš beamed with joy when I acknowledged knowing this word!  that is where our discussion in language commenced.
I love language and culture.  an accent indicates both, and learning happens here.
every time.
london taught me to appreciate culture and international community.  joy lives here for me.

over the years, I have been blessed to make friends of many little ones...at camp, babysitting, kids of friends, teaching, etc.  no matter the setting, kids and I get along well.  they are honest, engaging, simple, deep, authentic, hilarious, accepting, and smart.

my master's studies are going well.  these classes are the thread that is keeping me focused on the larger goal I have to do counseling full time.  I think I have an idea of setting, as well.  I am working on it.  helping people process life is such an honour and a blessing to me.

so, for now, I will only mention these three that are on my overarching career track goal.  I know joy lives with these elements in my life, and in a time of life where there seems to be a fair bit of loss and more "real life" than I prefer, I go back to that list of things that make my eyes smile.
a real life example:
today, a girl at work mentioned by happenstance that she and her husband leave for boston tomorrow for week.  I nearly fell down with joy!  she asked me to tell her everything I know.
a couple of times my words got jumbled with that joy.  she giggled at me.  I loved it.  that conversation brought me out of my fog that had settled in this morning.
and, you know what?  when I go back to that list, I also realize that it has more on it than I sometimes remember.
I hope you make a list and lean in to those spots.

life is short and we are meant to live it fully.

happy wednesday!
cheers,
kb.

I choose HOPE.

oubliant ce qui est en arrière
et tendant vers ce qui est en avant... (phil. 3.13)

this saying to the left has become prominent as of late in regard to elizabeth warren's resistance toward being silenced.  I do not currently find myself in a place where people are unwilling to hear what I have to say, but I do very much like the sentiment and tenacity that this sentence speaks to my spirit.
whether up against a foe or a challenge or feeling a bit underneath stigma or lacking confidence, this charge carries connotation of effort, determination, and moxie.

I speak often of transition and change.  so much so that it almost seems rote or shoulder-shrugging typical, and though it has become a normal state of being for me in perhaps more obvious, tangible ways than some other people, the truth which also lies in this constant shifting is that it is full of emotion, loss, gain, and mindfulness.
my address is being altered beginning in march to a residence that is not a foreign one but one I call familiar.
it could seem like a "going-back".
but it is not.



it is a mindful decision to move forward.
I had a couple of questions that I needed to have answered here in this mountain town, and that task having now been accomplished, the next chapter needs to begin.

the choices others make, at times, make me sad.  

the choices I make, at times, make others sad, I know, as well.  (I wish that were not so.) 

but you know what? 

life is not a quest to avoid sadness.

it is about living life to the full.    

and feeling it ALL.

loving to the grandest, bravest extent.  

so, I am doing my best to live fully and sometimes that means more transition, whether my spirit would choose that decision firstly or not.  

I try to build relationships that last a lifetime.  so, ending any connection in a way that feels unfinished, hurt-filled, or lost leaves a wound.  

every.

time.

mourning never ceases on some level because life lived alongside friends, layers in shared moments, inside jokes, memories of connection points which constantly pop up in day to day life no matter what my address happens to read.  so, I want to send that text, picture, or reference when I see it to make that friend laugh or smile knowingly on the other end of the phone.  needing to stop short of pushing that arrow that indicates it will reconnect us...

hurts.  

I respect the boundary.  I intellectually acknowledge the distance to be in place.  

I will never like it.

                                  

this change holds opportunity and hope.  

I am thankful for a lifeboat that has been extended.  it is a wise decision to accept it.

right now, I am sat feeling tired.  

peaceful.

tired.

sad.

hopeful.

thankful.

"sometimes the best way to go is to just go on."      

                                                                -kimmy schmidt.                                               

cheers,
kb.

each step is to be celebrated.

though my studies did not often take me to the brick and mortar library this semester, I do feel this image from the BPL appropriate.  

the first semester of my quest toward a master's degree is COMPLETE!

colorado is quiet.
this is not news to my spirit.  
it is for this solace and peace that I chose this locale for work on my advanced degree.  I now know what sort of day-to-day life needs to look like to make certain school gets done well alongside regular life tasks.  
I can complete this degree.
it was unknown and untouchable before this past handful of months.  
it now is a reality and somewhat known in its needs and rhythm.  

attainable.  
enjoyable.
flexible.
good.

writing a personal narrative for one of my final assignments for one my classes, I sat and contemplated a number... 
six.
the number of moves I have made since my world expanded quite literally.  difficult to believe for me and for you, I would imagine, as well.  

searching for "home".  
searching for safe spaces to "become".

to be honest, I have no indication that this search will cease anytime soon.  I do not necessarily plan to keep moving locations as much as I have this past 10 years or so, 
but I will continue to seek out spots where I feel engaged, alive, challenged, and safe in spirit.

I certainly hope that my search for identity never ceases to be a quest of mine.

this next physical move, whenever it happens, I can tell you, will be with laser clear focus on a newly found vision for a path for which I have seen in the distance for some time and now is just within arms reach.

happy Christmas!
cheers,
kb.

premier jour...

tulipsandflightsuits.squarespace.com

tomorrow is my first day of graduate school.

for over a decade, I have been talking about getting my master's degree in counseling.   and tomorrow, I begin actual work toward accomplishing that goal.
goal-setting is not necessarily my forte.
there are many people who have wondered, I am certain, if I would ever figure out how to make this dream a reality.
recently, especially, I have made choices to prioritize certain things in my life, such as this quest, that have made some confused about what I thinking.

tomorrow, I embark on an important journey toward a grand goal,
and I am excited.
I love school.

my classroom this time around will be my tiny flat in a little town in colorado, and I will work a full day and then return home to simply open my computer and begin to read on "syllabus day".
and I will love every  minute of it.

I hope school is starting well for everyone far and wide whether you are sending kiddos off in fresh outfits or beginning new classes yourself.  there is no doubt we are all learning new things as the autumn begins.
ask questions and be brave.
sharpen some pencils or buy a fresh calendar and lean into the new season with me.
thank you for celebrating with me as you read this blog post.

tomorrow is my first day of school,
and I am excited.

"don't you just love new york in the fall.  it makes me want to buy school supplies.  
I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils, if I knew your name and address."

cheers,
kb.

five...

this week I met a girl called clara.
clara is five.
her grandpa, or "pop pop" as she calls him because in her words, accompanied by a palms up gesture of both hands, "he is our grandpa, so that makes sense", takes care of the landscaping at our property where I work.  s
he was sitting in the lobby on one of our leather couches sipping water waiting on her brother.  I walked around the counter to get some tea and struck up a conversation.
she is highly intelligent and articulate, speaking in intonation and nuance far older than her years.
clara told me all about her family, about how they live nearby but are currently in search of a tiny house for a move.
{sigh}... kiddos.  oh how lovely.
today, clara again walked through our lobby door alongside her brother.
she pointed at me, saying something about how she and I talked yesterday.  I greeted her, and she announced, "my shoes are on the wrong feet!", followed by a laugh and silly eye roll.
"can I help you switch those shoes, clara?", I inquired.
she nodded.
as we discussed her mismatched socks and whether double knots were her preference, I worked on getting her shoes sorted.  as I untied and tied again, she told me all about what sort of flowers her pop pop was planting this afternoon, explaining that they were brown in colour, but not "the dead sort of brown".  she assured me they do not plant dead flowers.
the storytelling ability in this little one delighted my spirit in a way I can hardly capture with words.
as her parents were waiting somewhere on the property for them both, I handed them both some fresh cold water and told them it was good to see them.
"good to see you, too!", clara said with a wave.

five year old friends may be my favourite of all time.  forgive me, adult friends who read this, but those little ones give me a dose of simple, silly, and serene that I find few other places.

I hope you get to chat with a little one today or very soon.
don't pass up that opportunity.
they have the keys to life without a doubt.

I do not have a picture of clara, but this is another little friend of mine called mary grace (along with another couple pals that bless me) who always has showered my spirit with goodness.

cheers,
kb.

patience...

patient.
kind.
not self-seeking.

just a few words that describe how love for people is meant to be handled.  I do ok with that middle directive.  generally, I have a natural affinity toward kindness, and I believe choosing to be so can literally change relationships in lasting, powerful ways.

now as for the other two "strong suggestions"...
a bit tougher for my spirit.
my childlike insides get wicked greedy on a regular basis.  sweet time spent laughing, playing, sharing life leaves me overwhelmed with glee and thanks.
and then,
in a quite short amount of time, I am sat wanting more and more.  sometimes that desire can even overshadow the sweetness of the aforementioned quality time I recently had been gifted.

oooooh, that frustrates me.  when I let my selfishness steal the joy from the present moment.
ew.
in these moments of overwhelming thoughts of "the world revolves around kym", I am transported back to a time when I lived with a favourite friend called lee.
lee is lovely...smart, beautiful inside and out, people focused, loving, organized, disciplined, hilarious, intentional, giving...
her husband's name is clay.  clay and lee met, dated, and got married during the time I shared a house with lee, and I still feel privileged to have gotten to witness their connection find its shape in those early days.
one day during their early days of finding their rhythm, I asked clay if it was difficult being patient with lee as she sorted what space was allotted for him in her life.
(in the beginning, lee was pretty guarded with her time and with her heart.)
clay, in my mind, personifies peace.
he replied, calmly,
"I consider all the time spent with lee as a gift.  so, as much or as little as I get, I am thankful."
cue deep breath.

patience in the waiting, in the tension of the unknown and the unresolved...
with people in my life,
with violence in the world,
with situations that I think could be so much better with a little prevention and planning...
so challenging.
and, at the same moment, I think
what is the alternative?
emotions like bitterness and frustration with furrowed brows and a closed off heart?

a series studying the book of habakkuk has been timely these past few weeks as eagerness for resolution of tension in life overwhelms us all.

I hope I continue to choose to breathe into the tension today.
when I have chosen the other less joy-filled alternative, I don't even want to hang out with me.
why would others want to?  that makes my goal of connection significantly less reachable.
(I chose that more negative alternative as recently as yesterday.)

may today bring more choice for perspective, breath, and living in the present for us all.

love is a choice.

cheers,
kb.

westward peace.

a first view of this particular sort of majesty as I turned a corner in may on my most recent cross country drive.  

breath.

taking.

a spring greeting to me upon moving into my new colorado home.  poppies are a forever favourite since my definition of home expanded to include london.  their meaning across the pond connotes remembrance and honour.  

lovely.

words of truth that run on a loop in my head and heart as of late.  

peace.

not from people or from any situation or setting I can control.  which makes me think of the 

new avett brothers music out this week which I am listening to on a joyful loop. 

such goodness.

a slower pace.

deep need for patience and breathing.

new connections and old being furthered. 

all good things.

thankful.

cheers,

kb.

familiarity and discovery...

I think when you find it, your spot with your people, and then it crumbles, you mourn.

and there is no timeframe or predictability on grief.  

loss is felt forever, perhaps.  and in a way, I certainly hope it is.  

if I do not remember and feel a sense of loss, I cease to feel the joy and love that swirled within that time with those people, as well.  it is a package deal.

the good news is that the hurt does not always feel the same.  it is not always all-encompassing.

not always tear-inducing.

not eternally full of details that take me back to exactly the time and space of how it all fell apart.

the joy and laughter rises higher in the sea of emotions than the pain, as time moves forward.

thanks be to God.

@joshuaradin

the triggers for remembering and relishing can be as obvious as ink on skin or as sneaky as a song popping up on a shuffle.  

how does one let go of a season and yet seek to recreate the elements of said time as much as humanly possible to enable forward movement and the best version of oneself?

I think we all struggle to some degree with how we "grow up" and yet stay silly and full of life.  it is very possible that I am deeper in this challenge than any other human on the planet.  (I never exaggerate.)  

when "what do you love to do?" as a question leads to a laundry list, looking for the best spot can be a bit daunting.  

my wise brother has advised me recently to work mindfully on my focus. 

 

goal setting.

5 year plan.

life map.

even typing these words makes me scrunch up face and shake my head.  many of you are not surprised by my aversion, as my moves and job changes are evidence of my resistance.  

I am not against having these things, per say.  I simply want to lie down and take a nap when the picture gets too big or vague.  as a detail driven person, 'casting a vision' can be a bit too spacious for my comfort.  

baby steps.

breathing.

I will admit that my adoration for words, semantics, and definition can paralyze my spirit.  that hyper-focus  on meaning can stop my forward progress.  

thankfully, the Lord is gracious.  he knows, I think, that when I get stuck, I need my feelings to be frustrated to propel me into action.  

when I do not feel well, I do something about it.  

when I feel great, I do something about it.  

a handful of weeks ago, I was gifted with a quick trip to colorado to see some sweet friends and breathe in some mountain air.  

my word, that little mountain town is gloriously surrounded with majesty!  

(cue deep breath.)

and 

I 

breathed.

driving my utah-plated rental car through the windy mountain roads, I was struck by the deep contrast between city life and small town.  it has been four years since I lived in this natural, mostly untouched beauty, and here it sat much like I left it.  the tiny towns in between denver and bueni are many, some I remembered and some I had forgotten their names.  the mix of familiarity and re-discovery is so common in my story of having many places I call "home".  

this cocktail of feelings makes me smile 

every

time

it washes over me.  

________________________

familiarity and discovery.

yes.

I need them both for health.

________________________

three hour chats.  a hike full of enlightenment and trouble breathing such thin air.  tacos and smiling eyes.  copious amounts of coffee at a diner talking to new friends who started out as strangers.  soaking up vitamin d while wearing fleece jackets and flip-flops. authentic connection.  

my people.

space. 

healing.

good.  

so so good.

as you would imagine, I returned to boston with my spirit and mind in a state of deep contemplation.

as I process, there are two things that I know I need...

forward movement.

less fear.

  

sorting out the action steps to accompany these two isms, is and needs to be a process for this childlike spirit I possess.  

sitting here happily in my new ringer v-neck t shirt found yesterday at my goodwill and jeans with knees exposed from holes worn in over a period of over five years, I smile as I am assured that some things will always stay steady, even if it is as simple as my adoration for an old t-shirt and a pair of holey jeans.  (stay a kid, people.  truly.  it makes you smile spontaneously, and we all need more smiling eyes.)

the details of my process I will keep from reporting here for now.  I will say that I may have a more of a "life plan" than I have had in years past, in that I feel like I know a bit more about what elements are non-negotiable and feel like my feeling trigger is closer to the surface than ever to hopefully enable me to keep moving...

slow and steady.

faith 

is 

in 

my 

feet.

may we lean into peace, keep rooted in what we know is truest about ourselves at our best, and be mindful of any sneaky distractions that would pull us off our paths.  

"decide what to be and go be it!"

                                                           -the avett brothers

cheers,

kb.

compelled.

https://www.pinterest.com/kbrynk/

years and days since I have written, yes?
accessibility to ease of typing has been a bit impaired in recent months.  in the words of a dear friend,
"my sincerest apologies".
believe me, I feel it.
when I stop writing, I feel it.

new england is home once more.
feels as if I never left.
feels like I have been here only a handful of months.
concurrently.  evenly.  literally.

working on creating a life here.
interesting how a couple years down the road perspective changes.
thank the good Lord above for perspective.
truly.

this is a first.
moving to a place I have lived before of my own volition.



still a shift.
still transition.
still a lot at times.

time to write.
the book has begun.  structure has been found in chapter titles, and I am thrilled to be awoken from my paralysis which seems to set in when life is to vague.  in every facet of my life,
connection is important.

by way of information.
by way of instruction.
by way of observation.
by way of conversation.
by way of touch.

without something to afix, I haze over and lose interest.

so as I seek a life lived to the full here in boston, I look for connection points.  a few are in the works, and hope resides for many more to surface.
as I am going, I aspire to breathe...

cheers,
kb.

https://www.pinterest.com/kbrynk/

stay clear.

photo courtesy of jamesnord.com

two words that a friend, a handful of years ago, gave me.
words that help me frame health and happiness.
believe me, it takes intentional, mindful effort for me to live life "clearly".
oh, the constant mind activity...

with all the life noise, both productive and detrimental, a decision must be made to stay present and awake, not getting caught up in the tornadic activity which swirls about me.

so many notebooks, blank notecards, and journals surround me...in my bag, next to my bed, stacked on my bookshelves...all there at the ready to catch my thoughts and experiences when they overflow.
[sidenote:  if you are a thinker and do not keep some sort of written account of life, I would highly encourage you do so.  goodness, the catharsis that can be found with that pen and paper.]
my grandmom used to tell me in the midst of all my adventures to make sure and
"jot it down."

years ago, during my time at home in london, a high school friend of mine wrote these words during a time we called "blender questions"...
"what should I be living for/working toward?"
profound.
honest.
what I hope is an ever present thought and mindfulness.

When Chase was eight, a woman approached us at the grocery store and said, 

“What a handsome boy! What do you plan to be when you grow up, young man?” 

Chase looked at her and said, 

“I plan to be kind and brave, ma’am."

- Glennon Melton (via nsana)

what a lovely answer.

my friend, sarah, always asks people "what are you passionate about?" in the conversational space when we would normally ask, "and, what do you do?".
I so prefer this question.  it encourages conversation and connection.  people light up from the inside when you ask them to share about what they love.

may we strive to stay clear about what is important.
may we see people as people.
may we appreciate and be thankful for grace and mercy, as we all desperately need both.
may we be about being kind and brave people, as both of these traits can only help make the world a bit better.

cheers,
kb.

soulful.

feel free to listen to this over and over.  I know I am doing so today.
smooth and soulful.

this friday is good only when looking through the lens of the sunday that follows.  a cross of pain and death this day which was experienced by so many in ancient days can only be seen as good when the sunday arrives when only one man conquered that death.

I know beliefs differ from person to person.

for my soul,
that deep part of my being where heart assurance/knowledge is beyond words, that place where connection, intimacy, and joy live, that location where love, self-awareness, peace, and quiet have their residence,
I choose to believe this friday to be good and I am sat thankful and mindful of a peace that passes understanding, remembering moments as recent as yesterday where conversations led me to feelings of goodness in a way where only a smile, a hug, a pat on the shoulder - only non-verbal forms of communication - can appropriately or adequately communicate.
silence is powerful and allows us to be present.  to simply 'be'.

with all the pain, suffering, brokenness, confusion, in our lives, I need to believe that recovery and redemption exist.
and I do believe.

soul moments...
so many I could tell stories about where words fall short when I try to explain or help you feel like you were alongside me.
you have stories like this, too.  you could tell me about interactions and experiences that changed your life, and as much as I would like to completely "get it", I cannot, which can feel quite sad and isolating, actually.
and, yet
at the same time,
the inability to describe is what makes it special.
it is what makes it yours,
personal,
on purpose.
for you and for those who were alongside you during that time, when you lived in another country, when you worked at that job, when you went on that trip, when you passed that test after studying yourself silly... you have a shared experience that will bond you together always.
intimacy.
soul connection.
and the beauty of it all is that though I may not fully "get" your moment and you may not fully "get" my story, we also recognize that these type of moments exist for us all,
and that shared awareness binds us together as people.

you know when you hear a song, or see a movie, or look at a piece of artwork, or read a book that you just connect with, that you feel like everyone you know needs to hear it, see it, read it, as well?
when you have a moment you feel compelled to share because you just want others to have a chance to experience the same type of depth and/or joy?
for me it can be anything from a ridiculous one liner on a tv show to a story of a moment on the side a dirt road where a friend and I stood one afternoon crying together in common hurt.
I feel like that those moments of "can there be anything greater/more meaningful than this?" live in our souls.
creativity lives here.
maybe we don't have the ability to paint or sing or turn a phrase in a particularly eloquent way, but we are all creative.

we
are
all
creative.

each of us can do something like no one else can.
maybe that is connecting with people.  maybe that is sitting quietly and reading for hours upon hours.  maybe that is performing on stage.  maybe that is thinking outside of the box and problem-solving.  maybe that is refinishing furniture.  maybe that is making an omelette.  maybe that is creating space in your schedule to go to the park with your kids even when you are exhausted after a day at work.  perhaps that is folding a shirt so that all the buttons line up in stacks.  maybe that is making the perfect caramel machiatto.  maybe that is creating a safe space for people to share.
I do not know what "that" is or "those" are for you.
but, you do.
if you don't, ask someone who loves you.
they can tell you.

lean into those places where you feel the most "like yourself",
like "the best version of (insert your name here)".
when you those soul spaces and lean in, the people around you will find more joy, and so will you.

finding this space is worth the effort.
worth
the
effort
because it is in these soul spaces that we find
more laughter, peace, love, meaning,
and LIFE.

"...I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  

                                                                                                                     john 10.10

and who among us would not like more of these things?

I pray that grace and peace reside within your soul moments today.
thanks be to God.

cheers,
kb.

to write.

I have a friend called sam.
he has taught me lessons in friendship and love of people for which I am truly,
life-changingly
thankful.
some of the lessons I learned from a season living life alongside sam were illumined all the more for me, I am certain in the face of a comparison from friendships past.  for me, at that place in my story, the Lord needed to redeem, heal, and properly define some misconceptions and untruths I held about care without condition.
one summer afternoon, a group of us lounged on the pool deck allowing our weekly taco lunch to digest.  sam sat on my left, legs outstretched, one chuck taylor leisurely crossed over the other.  a guy strolled over sipping coffee out of a mug with a mustache emblazoned with on its side.  he stopped to address sam.
"sam, I didn't know you were a hipster!", this fellow said with inflection, pointedly glancing at my friend's sneakers.  (here it is important to note that sam spent his days working down the mountain in the horse barn wearing quite different attire than at the time of this conversation being recalled.)
sam looked up at this gent and replied, "I'm not.  I'm Sam."
his matter-of-fact tone I will not soon forget.
I smile now as write remembering how he spoke.  without pretension, without a touch of arrogance, without malice or mockery...simply from a place of self-understanding and perspective.

do we ever like to be 'put in a box'?  I certainly do not.
we are living, breathing, growing, changing creatures.  we were created to be so.

I have another friend called kate.
kate possesses a level of authenticity that blesses me deeply.  during the season I lived alongside her, she asked me questions that I am not sure anyone has asked me before or since that time.
she asked me what I was about.  well, she didn't actually ask me outright, but she told me she wondered what I was about and then simply... waited for my reply.
that silence led me to truly examine my heart to answer her honestly.
as she was bold and real with me, she led me into a place of honesty.
she loved me well.
another moment which will live in my story where depth resided and challenge was felt.

raison d'être.  reason to be.
I am of the opinion that we all need to know of what things we are convinced
and to be aware of those things which compel us.

recently, I have been helping out with a local alpha course.
this intentionally created safe place for pondering life is full of people who speak john 1.14 language.  my church in london, htb, is the source of this haven for hashing out one's questions, and though I attended a bit of a training while living in london, my focus on my own ministry kept me from going on the course.
my instinct has proven to be correct.  the approach, the content, the people...
I have quite enjoyed myself.

how impressed I am by people and by the courage it takes for us to be vulnerable.
to be.
tremendous courage.
tremendous.

in my nature, a risk-taking demeanour, I have not.  the list I could make here of friends' names who would attest to this fact is lengthy.  for many years, I have 'played it safe' and have mindfully sidestepped potentially dangerous situations.
I still would stand on my proverbial soapbox and preach that always choosing the risky path is not necessarily the best choice.  yes, I would.
and yet concurrently, in my experience, my personhood, my 'be'ing, has become
more layered
and
lovelier
when time is spent with other 'be'ings who "live life to the full"by
being genuine.
as I am quite impressionable, I strive to lean into those people and places where I recognise authenticity. and I get to choose.
we all get to choose.

oh, that I would choose wisely so as to continue forward motion and that I would mindfully be thankful for those friends who love me so well whether their 'be'ing shares my zip code or resides in a land too far for my liking.

cheers,
kb.