though my studies did not often take me to the brick and mortar library this semester, I do feel this image from the BPL appropriate. the first semester of my quest toward a master's degree is COMPLETE! colorado is quiet. this is not news to my spirit. it is for this solace and peace that I chose this locale for work on my advanced degree. I now know what sort of day-to-day life needs to look like to make certain school gets done well alongside regular life tasks. I can complete this degree. it was unknown and untouchable before this past handful of months. it now is a reality and somewhat known in its needs and rhythm. attainable. enjoyable. flexible. good. writing a personal narrative for one of my final assignments for one my classes, I sat and contemplated a number... six. the number of moves I have made since my world expanded quite literally. difficult to believe for me and for you, I would imagine, as well. searching for "home". searching for safe spaces to "become". to be honest, I have no indication that this search will cease anytime soon. I do not necessarily plan to keep moving locations as much as I have this past 10 years or so, but I will continue to seek out spots where I feel engaged, alive, challenged, and safe in spirit.
I certainly hope that my search for identity never ceases to be a quest of mine.
this next physical move, whenever it happens, I can tell you, will be with laser clear focus on a newly found vision for a path for which I have seen in the distance for some time and now is just within arms reach.
for over a decade, I have been talking about getting my master's degree in counseling. and tomorrow, I begin actual work toward accomplishing that goal.
goal-setting is not necessarily my forte.
there are many people who have wondered, I am certain, if I would ever figure out how to make this dream a reality.
recently, especially, I have made choices to prioritize certain things in my life, such as this quest, that have made some confused about what I thinking.
tomorrow, I embark on an important journey toward a grand goal,
and I am excited.
I love school.
my classroom this time around will be my tiny flat in a little town in colorado, and I will work a full day and then return home to simply open my computer and begin to read on "syllabus day".
and I will love every minute of it.
I hope school is starting well for everyone far and wide whether you are sending kiddos off in fresh outfits or beginning new classes yourself. there is no doubt we are all learning new things as the autumn begins.
ask questions and be brave.
sharpen some pencils or buy a fresh calendar and lean into the new season with me.
thank you for celebrating with me as you read this blog post.
tomorrow is my first day of school,
and I am excited.
"don't you just love new york in the fall. it makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils, if I knew your name and address."
cheers,
kb.
this week I met a girl called clara.
clara is five.
her grandpa, or "pop pop" as she calls him because in her words, accompanied by a palms up gesture of both hands, "he is our grandpa, so that makes sense", takes care of the landscaping at our property where I work. s
he was sitting in the lobby on one of our leather couches sipping water waiting on her brother. I walked around the counter to get some tea and struck up a conversation.
she is highly intelligent and articulate, speaking in intonation and nuance far older than her years.
clara told me all about her family, about how they live nearby but are currently in search of a tiny house for a move.
{sigh}... kiddos. oh how lovely.
today, clara again walked through our lobby door alongside her brother.
she pointed at me, saying something about how she and I talked yesterday. I greeted her, and she announced, "my shoes are on the wrong feet!", followed by a laugh and silly eye roll.
"can I help you switch those shoes, clara?", I inquired.
she nodded.
as we discussed her mismatched socks and whether double knots were her preference, I worked on getting her shoes sorted. as I untied and tied again, she told me all about what sort of flowers her pop pop was planting this afternoon, explaining that they were brown in colour, but not "the dead sort of brown". she assured me they do not plant dead flowers.
the storytelling ability in this little one delighted my spirit in a way I can hardly capture with words.
as her parents were waiting somewhere on the property for them both, I handed them both some fresh cold water and told them it was good to see them.
"good to see you, too!", clara said with a wave.
five year old friends may be my favourite of all time. forgive me, adult friends who read this, but those little ones give me a dose of simple, silly, and serene that I find few other places.
I hope you get to chat with a little one today or very soon.
don't pass up that opportunity.
they have the keys to life without a doubt.
I do not have a picture of clara, but this is another little friend of mine called mary grace (along with another couple pals that bless me) who always has showered my spirit with goodness.
just a few words that describe how love for people is meant to be handled. I do ok with that middle directive. generally, I have a natural affinity toward kindness, and I believe choosing to be so can literally change relationships in lasting, powerful ways.
now as for the other two "strong suggestions"...
a bit tougher for my spirit.
my childlike insides get wicked greedy on a regular basis. sweet time spent laughing, playing, sharing life leaves me overwhelmed with glee and thanks.
and then,
in a quite short amount of time, I am sat wanting more and more. sometimes that desire can even overshadow the sweetness of the aforementioned quality time I recently had been gifted.
oooooh, that frustrates me. when I let my selfishness steal the joy from the present moment.
ew.
in these moments of overwhelming thoughts of "the world revolves around kym", I am transported back to a time when I lived with a favourite friend called lee.
lee is lovely...smart, beautiful inside and out, people focused, loving, organized, disciplined, hilarious, intentional, giving...
her husband's name is clay. clay and lee met, dated, and got married during the time I shared a house with lee, and I still feel privileged to have gotten to witness their connection find its shape in those early days.
one day during their early days of finding their rhythm, I asked clay if it was difficult being patient with lee as she sorted what space was allotted for him in her life.
(in the beginning, lee was pretty guarded with her time and with her heart.)
clay, in my mind, personifies peace.
he replied, calmly,
"I consider all the time spent with lee as a gift. so, as much or as little as I get, I am thankful."
cue deep breath.
patience in the waiting, in the tension of the unknown and the unresolved...
with people in my life,
with violence in the world,
with situations that I think could be so much better with a little prevention and planning...
so challenging.
and, at the same moment, I think
what is the alternative?
emotions like bitterness and frustration with furrowed brows and a closed off heart?
a series studying the book of habakkuk has been timely these past few weeks as eagerness for resolution of tension in life overwhelms us all.
I hope I continue to choose to breathe into the tension today.
when I have chosen the other less joy-filled alternative, I don't even want to hang out with me.
why would others want to? that makes my goal of connection significantly less reachable.
(I chose that more negative alternative as recently as yesterday.)
may today bring more choice for perspective, breath, and living in the present for us all.
a first view of this particular sort of majesty as I turned a corner in may on my most recent cross country drive.
breath.
taking.
a spring greeting to me upon moving into my new colorado home. poppies are a forever favourite since my definition of home expanded to include london. their meaning across the pond connotes remembrance and honour.
lovely.
words of truth that run on a loop in my head and heart as of late.
peace.
not from people or from any situation or setting I can control. which makes me think of the
new avett brothers music out this week which I am listening to on a joyful loop.
I think when you find it, your spot with your people, and then it crumbles, you mourn.
and there is no timeframe or predictability on grief.
loss is felt forever, perhaps. and in a way, I certainly hope it is.
if I do not remember and feel a sense of loss, I cease to feel the joy and love that swirled within that time with those people, as well. it is a package deal.
the good news is that the hurt does not always feel the same. it is not always all-encompassing.
not always tear-inducing.
not eternally full of details that take me back to exactly the time and space of how it all fell apart.
the joy and laughter rises higher in the sea of emotions than the pain, as time moves forward.
thanks be to God.
@joshuaradin
the triggers for remembering and relishing can be as obvious as ink on skin or as sneaky as a song popping up on a shuffle.
how does one let go of a season and yet seek to recreate the elements of said time as much as humanly possible to enable forward movement and the best version of oneself?
I think we all struggle to some degree with how we "grow up" and yet stay silly and full of life. it is very possible that I am deeper in this challenge than any other human on the planet. (I never exaggerate.)
when "what do you love to do?" as a question leads to a laundry list, looking for the best spot can be a bit daunting.
my wise brother has advised me recently to work mindfully on my focus.
goal setting.
5 year plan.
life map.
even typing these words makes me scrunch up face and shake my head. many of you are not surprised by my aversion, as my moves and job changes are evidence of my resistance.
I am not against having these things, per say. I simply want to lie down and take a nap when the picture gets too big or vague. as a detail driven person, 'casting a vision' can be a bit too spacious for my comfort.
baby steps.
breathing.
I will admit that my adoration for words, semantics, and definition can paralyze my spirit. that hyper-focus on meaning can stop my forward progress.
thankfully, the Lord is gracious. he knows, I think, that when I get stuck, I need my feelings to be frustrated to propel me into action.
when I do not feel well, I do something about it.
when I feel great, I do something about it.
a handful of weeks ago, I was gifted with a quick trip to colorado to see some sweet friends and breathe in some mountain air.
my word, that little mountain town is gloriously surrounded with majesty!
(cue deep breath.)
and
I
breathed.
driving my utah-plated rental car through the windy mountain roads, I was struck by the deep contrast between city life and small town. it has been four years since I lived in this natural, mostly untouched beauty, and here it sat much like I left it. the tiny towns in between denver and bueni are many, some I remembered and some I had forgotten their names. the mix of familiarity and re-discovery is so common in my story of having many places I call "home".
this cocktail of feelings makes me smile
every
time
it washes over me.
________________________
familiarity and discovery.
yes.
I need them both for health.
________________________
three hour chats. a hike full of enlightenment and trouble breathing such thin air. tacos and smiling eyes. copious amounts of coffee at a diner talking to new friends who started out as strangers. soaking up vitamin d while wearing fleece jackets and flip-flops. authentic connection.
my people.
space.
healing.
good.
so so good.
as you would imagine, I returned to boston with my spirit and mind in a state of deep contemplation.
as I process, there are two things that I know I need...
forward movement.
less fear.
sorting out the action steps to accompany these two isms, is and needs to be a process for this childlike spirit I possess.
sitting here happily in my new ringer v-neck t shirt found yesterday at my goodwill and jeans with knees exposed from holes worn in over a period of over five years, I smile as I am assured that some things will always stay steady, even if it is as simple as my adoration for an old t-shirt and a pair of holey jeans. (stay a kid, people. truly. it makes you smile spontaneously, and we all need more smiling eyes.)
the details of my process I will keep from reporting here for now. I will say that I may have a more of a "life plan" than I have had in years past, in that I feel like I know a bit more about what elements are non-negotiable and feel like my feeling trigger is closer to the surface than ever to hopefully enable me to keep moving...
slow and steady.
faith
is
in
my
feet.
may we lean into peace, keep rooted in what we know is truest about ourselves at our best, and be mindful of any sneaky distractions that would pull us off our paths.
years and days since I have written, yes?
accessibility to ease of typing has been a bit impaired in recent months. in the words of a dear friend,
"my sincerest apologies".
believe me, I feel it.
when I stop writing, I feel it.
new england is home once more.
feels as if I never left.
feels like I have been here only a handful of months.
concurrently. evenly. literally.
working on creating a life here.
interesting how a couple years down the road perspective changes.
thank the good Lord above for perspective.
truly.
this is a first.
moving to a place I have lived before of my own volition.
still a shift.
still transition.
still a lot at times.
time to write.
the book has begun. structure has been found in chapter titles, and I am thrilled to be awoken from my paralysis which seems to set in when life is to vague. in every facet of my life,
connection is important.
by way of information.
by way of instruction.
by way of observation.
by way of conversation.
by way of touch.
without something to afix, I haze over and lose interest.
so as I seek a life lived to the full here in boston, I look for connection points. a few are in the works, and hope resides for many more to surface.
as I am going, I aspire to breathe...
two words that a friend, a handful of years ago, gave me.
words that help me frame health and happiness.
believe me, it takes intentional, mindful effort for me to live life "clearly".
oh, the constant mind activity...
with all the life noise, both productive and detrimental, a decision must be made to stay present and awake, not getting caught up in the tornadic activity which swirls about me.
so many notebooks, blank notecards, and journals surround me...in my bag, next to my bed, stacked on my bookshelves...all there at the ready to catch my thoughts and experiences when they overflow.
[sidenote: if you are a thinker and do not keep some sort of written account of life, I would highly encourage you do so. goodness, the catharsis that can be found with that pen and paper.]
my grandmom used to tell me in the midst of all my adventures to make sure and
"jot it down."
years ago, during my time at home in london, a high school friend of mine wrote these words during a time we called "blender questions"...
"what should I be living for/working toward?"
profound.
honest.
what I hope is an ever present thought and mindfulness.
When Chase was eight, a woman approached us at the grocery store and said,
“What a handsome boy! What do you plan to be when you grow up, young man?”
my friend, sarah, always asks people "what are you passionate about?" in the conversational space when we would normally ask, "and, what do you do?".
I so prefer this question. it encourages conversation and connection. people light up from the inside when you ask them to share about what they love.
may we strive to stay clear about what is important.
may we see people as people.
may we appreciate and be thankful for grace and mercy, as we all desperately need both.
may we be about being kind and brave people, as both of these traits can only help make the world a bit better.
feel free to listen to this over and over. I know I am doing so today.
smooth and soulful.
this friday is good only when looking through the lens of the sunday that follows. a cross of pain and death this day which was experienced by so many in ancient days can only be seen as good when the sunday arrives when only one man conquered that death.
I know beliefs differ from person to person.
for my soul,
that deep part of my being where heart assurance/knowledge is beyond words, that place where connection, intimacy, and joy live, that location where love, self-awareness, peace, and quiet have their residence,
I choose to believe this friday to be good and I am sat thankful and mindful of a peace that passes understanding, remembering moments as recent as yesterday where conversations led me to feelings of goodness in a way where only a smile, a hug, a pat on the shoulder - only non-verbal forms of communication - can appropriately or adequately communicate.
silence is powerful and allows us to be present. to simply 'be'.
with all the pain, suffering, brokenness, confusion, in our lives, I need to believe that recovery and redemption exist.
and I do believe.
soul moments...
so many I could tell stories about where words fall short when I try to explain or help you feel like you were alongside me.
you have stories like this, too. you could tell me about interactions and experiences that changed your life, and as much as I would like to completely "get it", I cannot, which can feel quite sad and isolating, actually.
and, yet
at the same time,
the inability to describe is what makes it special.
it is what makes it yours,
personal,
on purpose.
for you and for those who were alongside you during that time, when you lived in another country, when you worked at that job, when you went on that trip, when you passed that test after studying yourself silly... you have a shared experience that will bond you together always.
intimacy.
soul connection.
and the beauty of it all is that though I may not fully "get" your moment and you may not fully "get" my story, we also recognize that these type of moments exist for us all,
and that shared awareness binds us together as people.
you know when you hear a song, or see a movie, or look at a piece of artwork, or read a book that you just connect with, that you feel like everyone you know needs to hear it, see it, read it, as well?
when you have a moment you feel compelled to share because you just want others to have a chance to experience the same type of depth and/or joy?
for me it can be anything from a ridiculous one liner on a tv show to a story of a moment on the side a dirt road where a friend and I stood one afternoon crying together in common hurt.
I feel like that those moments of "can there be anything greater/more meaningful than this?" live in our souls.
creativity lives here.
maybe we don't have the ability to paint or sing or turn a phrase in a particularly eloquent way, but we are all creative.
we
are
all
creative.
each of us can do something like no one else can.
maybe that is connecting with people. maybe that is sitting quietly and reading for hours upon hours. maybe that is performing on stage. maybe that is thinking outside of the box and problem-solving. maybe that is refinishing furniture. maybe that is making an omelette. maybe that is creating space in your schedule to go to the park with your kids even when you are exhausted after a day at work. perhaps that is folding a shirt so that all the buttons line up in stacks. maybe that is making the perfect caramel machiatto. maybe that is creating a safe space for people to share.
I do not know what "that" is or "those" are for you.
but, you do.
if you don't, ask someone who loves you.
they can tell you.
lean into those places where you feel the most "like yourself",
like "the best version of (insert your name here)".
when you those soul spaces and lean in, the people around you will find more joy, and so will you.
finding this space is worth the effort.
worth
the
effort
because it is in these soul spaces that we find
more laughter, peace, love, meaning,
and LIFE.
"...I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
john 10.10
and who among us would not like more of these things?
I pray that grace and peace reside within your soul moments today.
thanks be to God.
I have a friend called sam.
he has taught me lessons in friendship and love of people for which I am truly,
life-changingly
thankful.
some of the lessons I learned from a season living life alongside sam were illumined all the more for me, I am certain in the face of a comparison from friendships past. for me, at that place in my story, the Lord needed to redeem, heal, and properly define some misconceptions and untruths I held about care without condition.
one summer afternoon, a group of us lounged on the pool deck allowing our weekly taco lunch to digest. sam sat on my left, legs outstretched, one chuck taylor leisurely crossed over the other. a guy strolled over sipping coffee out of a mug with a mustache emblazoned with on its side. he stopped to address sam.
"sam, I didn't know you were a hipster!", this fellow said with inflection, pointedly glancing at my friend's sneakers. (here it is important to note that sam spent his days working down the mountain in the horse barn wearing quite different attire than at the time of this conversation being recalled.)
sam looked up at this gent and replied, "I'm not. I'm Sam."
his matter-of-fact tone I will not soon forget.
I smile now as write remembering how he spoke. without pretension, without a touch of arrogance, without malice or mockery...simply from a place of self-understanding and perspective.
do we ever like to be 'put in a box'? I certainly do not.
we are living, breathing, growing, changing creatures. we were created to be so.
I have another friend called kate.
kate possesses a level of authenticity that blesses me deeply. during the season I lived alongside her, she asked me questions that I am not sure anyone has asked me before or since that time.
she asked me what I was about. well, she didn't actually ask me outright, but she told me she wondered what I was about and then simply... waited for my reply.
that silence led me to truly examine my heart to answer her honestly.
as she was bold and real with me, she led me into a place of honesty.
she loved me well.
another moment which will live in my story where depth resided and challenge was felt.
raison d'être. reason to be.
I am of the opinion that we all need to know of what things we are convinced
and to be aware of those things which compel us.
recently, I have been helping out with a local alpha course.
this intentionally created safe place for pondering life is full of people who speak john 1.14 language. my church in london, htb, is the source of this haven for hashing out one's questions, and though I attended a bit of a training while living in london, my focus on my own ministry kept me from going on the course.
my instinct has proven to be correct. the approach, the content, the people...
I have quite enjoyed myself.
how impressed I am by people and by the courage it takes for us to be vulnerable.
to be.
tremendous courage.
tremendous.
in my nature, a risk-taking demeanour, I have not. the list I could make here of friends' names who would attest to this fact is lengthy. for many years, I have 'played it safe' and have mindfully sidestepped potentially dangerous situations.
I still would stand on my proverbial soapbox and preach that always choosing the risky path is not necessarily the best choice. yes, I would.
and yet concurrently, in my experience, my personhood, my 'be'ing, has become
more layered
and
lovelier
when time is spent with other 'be'ings who "live life to the full"by
being genuine.
as I am quite impressionable, I strive to lean into those people and places where I recognise authenticity. and I get to choose.
we all get to choose.
oh, that I would choose wisely so as to continue forward motion and that I would mindfully be thankful for those friends who love me so well whether their 'be'ing shares my zip code or resides in a land too far for my liking.
the train which carried me the route of london to virginia water and back with its red seats placed within carriages filled with passengers who rarely speak above a whisper regardless of their number of companions travelling alongside them, makes my heart happy to remember.
this still shot of said transport appears to be steady, but with a glance out the window
you see it actually is in motion.
as you well know, the past dozen years have found me processing and maneuvering.
striving to stay steady while progressing.
looking for "the rhythmic character or quality" of life,
the proper cadence
for
kym.
{deep breath.}
this season
is not an easy one.
each transition is different, n'est pas (is it not)?
thankfully, wherever we go, we take ourselves with us, but years on, in new settings, sharing life with people with different names and stories, alongside numerous other factors, each phase of life feels a bit unique within its sameness.
I could fill this page avec mots et phrases (with words and sentences) to describe right now, but I see no need, as they might be interpreted as wicked melancholy.
my intention in taking the time to compose and share is not to commiserate but to simply give a peek through the window of my current state of being.
my life when more full of solitude is naturally filled with more contemplation.
some thinking is good.
without space to ponder, health drifts out of my grasp.
too much time on my own?
well...
health drifts out of my grasp.
"and, we're back...", to the life quest for the
proper cadence.
"therefore, as you go, disciple people in all nations,
in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit..."
matthew 28.19 (ISV)
the great commission, this verse has been deemed.
I chose this translation with great intention.
in my processing, living life alongside, moving into the neighbourhood disposition,
"as you are going" is the personification of my personality and approach to life.
I recognise that looking to live a life, organically making friends and building community, is much more difficult in adulthood. and yet, I still want that to happen. perhaps that is the six year old child in me. separating life into segments will never make sense to me. no.
spend forty hours a week with one group of people.
then, go home and do life with a whole other lot. "you gotta keep 'em separated..."
please do not misunderstand me.
my childlike stubbornness and joy is woven into my spirit with a healthy amount (at times wicked excessive amounts) of mature awareness and desire to manage expectations properly.
needing work friends to also live next door to me is silly and not real life. (well not real life for me right now, at least. I have experienced this type of dynamic and have many friends who do live in such a way.)
I simply miss living life with fewer segments.
so, how do I navigate this less than preferable, highly prevalent reality while keeping hope alive for finding organic relationship?
I have no easy answer.
however, I do have a deep fervent desire to keep looking and settle not.
so for those of you who share my temperament and at times find yourself living life as an adult in less than natural social situations, wishing we were all kids once more who just spend time together without appointment or plan other than just to "be",
know you are not alone.
may we keep hope alive,
look and pray to see opportunities, and
choose to be glad.
stumbled upon a couple songs on this album a few weeks ago. this weekend, it occurred me to listen to the rest of it.
and, purchased.
listening on a loop.
multi-layered. epic sounds. 80s reminiscent.
good.
if you feel so inclined, you might take a listen.
why do I love london so deeply?
yes, it for the red postboxes, the centrality of public transport, the accents which abound...
these lovelies (and a million more) most definitely endear, but at the heart of this affection, you will find that all these tangibles actually serve to provide the context and setting for a formative time in my life that can hardly be explained.
in the confines of the years I spent with a UK address, I lived life fully.
in a john 10.10 type of way, I experienced full on, utterly awake, transparent engagement in daily awareness.
not every day, of course.
after all, 'wherever you go, you take yourself with you'.
as someone who connects, relates, and lives deeply within her context, place is pretty important to me. especially as I live life on my own, in a state of singleness.
and as I possess a fair amount of introversion.
so, a struggle will always exist, I suppose to find my niche. (I think we all search, to some degree.)
I learned years ago that my home (where I lay my head at night) is of key importance in my quest for health. if said home base is uneasy or unclear in regard to safety and cozy, my spirit struggles to rest. home in flux can only exist for a short period of time.
in all my travels, I have also learned to create "home" wherever I am.
so, if these previous sentences lead you to feelings of sadness on my behalf, there is no need.
I comment on 'place' as a processing of words, the title of this post, I have spoken to others and over the past year have said to myself many, many times to help soothe the loss I feel from my most recent change of zip code.
(boston sits companionably near to london on my list of homes.)
I'm not sure.
not AT all. (spoken in jude law accent.)
is a place just a place?
at my core, I believe people are of the most importance.
yes, yes, I do.
as someone who has lived many places and made connections (real, life, heart friend sort of connections) in each of those places, deciding where to create home can be pretty daunting.
having numerous options of location can send me into a sort of paralysis.
acts 17.26-28...
"from one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set of them and the exact places where they should live.
God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.
'for in him we live and move and have our being'..."
so looking for open and closed doors has become my mode of operation.
listening.
praying I can live in the present and breathe.
how do you define home when you are able to find it so many places?
I'm not sure.
and, I suppose in some ways, that is the point.
trust (belief in the reliability, truth, strength of)
and faith ("sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." hebrews 11.1).
and both require...
choice.
daily.
a.
daily.
choice.
and, the ultimate, overarching beauty that I am always led back to believing...
john 15.4, 15; 16.33...
"remain in me, and I will remain in you."
"I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you."
"I have told you these things, so that you may have peace. in this world you will have trouble.
but take heart!
I have overcome the world."
recently, through a new friend, I have been reminded of how
soulful truth encourages my spirit.
how funny and sweet is the Lord in how he brings into my sphere people who,
simply by being themselves,
point me toward and remind me of
who I am,
what I want to be about, and
what I love.
press play...
je parle un peu français. (I speak a little french.)
so, back in august, I decided to take a french class.
and,
this choice is,
by far,
one of the better decisions I have made in quite some time.
so, each tuesday evening I am sat with a couple others at an international school learning accent, conjugation, and intonation of this lovely, challenging foreign tongue. (some weeks this class finds me being the only student in attendance.)
I.
love.
it.
as you know, part of me will now and forever be international, so my spirit is fed here.
additionally, being a student of people, culture, and words, each bit of information absorbed reminds me of how intricate and interesting is our world and each person within it.
school has always been a favourite place of mine.
would I call myself a nerd? sure.
I have a genuine love for learning, studying, and memorizing. it is just true.
hence my love for travel, culture, exploring, being trusted to hear people's stories... all feed the inner student within me.
sure, most of this aforementioned list does not have to do with pencil, paper, or notecards, but each without doubt teaches me, shapes my perspective, and enhances my life in ways similar (though much more personally) to my time spent in a classroom over the years.
life affords me loads of human interaction/learning, but it has been some time since I opened a textbook and took active notes while sitting at a desk, looking at a whiteboard.
and, you know what? I have missed it.
many of you know that I have been thinking of going to grad school for many years. in fact, my move to boston contained that goal in its sights. for one reason or another, my re-entering the classroom has not come to fruition in the way I might have hoped. I, honestly, am not certain when the pieces will fall into place to obtain that advanced degree that I have long seeked.
that being said... l'apetit vient en mangeant. (the more you have, the more you want.)
each class, my french teacher begins by teaching us a french proverb. as I write about becoming further educated, I find this phrase popping into my head.
I hope this whetting of my appetite for learning, both in books and amongst people, only grows stronger.
time spent living life alongside people ranks highest on my list of things preferred. (full stop)
it just turns out that spending time with my nose in a book enhances and enriches my life immensely, as well. just another noteworthy reminder of the deep importance for me to
"know my name".
in october, I took a birthday holiday to brooklyn and boston. colour of autumn leaves and footsteps on cobblestone street paths abounded.
how do I sum it up? almost impossible.
I will simply say that I breathed deep that week.
I walked and walked and walked. goodness, I miss walking and not having to drive.
I reconnected with lovely friends.
the time there was absolutely cathartic to my spirit.
upon my return from new england, I find myself feeling a bit more present in dallas these days.
thankful for peace.
I have spoken many times about the "tension" in my life...a lesson learned while living in a colorado mountain town.
the full on realization that struggle and joy co-exist.
that feeling of...
being entirely sure I am where I am meant to be
and
feeling that I do not love the location/situation fully where I am found.
the brow-furrowing moments of...
"why exactly did I need to move?"
mixed in with the thoughts of
"this moment finds me feeling completely joyful and healthier than I have been in awhile."
when I am convinced that...
"my gifting/who I am is celebrated in this space and amongst these people."
alongside the thought of
"oftentimes, I feel like an alien here."
more moments exist on the positive/hopeful side of that tension as of late.
thankful. life never ceases to surprise... correction:
He never ceases to surprise me...
in loving sorts of ways.
in "I know you because I made you" ways.
in fun, laughter-filled ways.
in sweet, gentle ways.
thankful.
this morning, I found myself in a conversation about how comfortable it is to be a believer in and a follower of Jesus.
"EVERYTHING about having faith is uncomfortable!,"
said my friend with a voice teeming with passion.
now,
I am not, in my nature, one who debates.
but, hearing a statement made with such feeling of absolute, prompts me to provide my personal perspective.
I replied in an intentionally even tone that as a believer, not EVERYTHING about my life is uncomfortable.
at times? absolutely.
everything? absolutely not.
the conversation continued on amiably, our friendship remaining very much intact. :)
perhaps, he did not mean this remark as literally as I heard it.
it is possible, I am a bit sensitive to tone, inflection, and volume.
yes, it is possible.
equally plausible is the fact that "combatting" this definitive statement and speaking the truth I have experienced spoke to my spirit in a way that moved me to a place of perspective.
I will simply say here that I am thankful today for
joy,
peace,
laughter,
home,
promise.
"...I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home.
I know what I’m doing.
I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you,
a handful of years ago, living a country not my native, I first discovered the absolute necessity of having such a spot. and in all my moves and all my house numbers, that london learned lesson of haven non-negotiable is once again my most tangible subject for thanksgiving.
in the words of my friend, jas, in regard to my response to how I am liking dallas...
"no matter what, just remember you have a kick a%$ apartment!"
indeed, my friend.
indeed.
and on days when I feel out of sorts or ill at ease, this aptly described structure where I dwell truly is my place of comfort.
had I not been sitting on the inside of the booth with another friend blocking my way, I might have laughed my way onto the floor.
well, I am not sure, my silly friend. more than likely, my next to-do will not be anything to do with vocal performance, though. (at least not apart from in my haven)
music is, of course, a constant there.
(see below video.)
some ideas on the brain of the "nexts"...
as we all well know, it is a process in this psyche.
so, I will keep making lists, writing down inspirational quotes, and brainstorming.
I'll find those soul-feeding connection points. places that feed the various corners of my story.
I choose to believe I will.
another friend said a kind word to me about my future being bright.
today, in particular, these words meant loads to me.
when in a role that oftentimes finds me feeling a bit alien, it is a sweet gift to still be able to make connection with people (even if with a smaller number than in previous realities and roles) who engage in authentic conversation in the midst of email sending and spreadsheet formatting.
look for the little signs of hope.
choose to recognise.
and...
how about a song and video that makes this person happy?
good.
ness.
I dare you to not want to join into that dance.
(and, yes, I looked up the lyrics, and this post title is copied directly. I couldn't pass it up.)
music videos.
it turns out mtv has a channel that airs hours of videos.
and, I happened upon it when I moved into my new place a month or so ago. palladia.
this one made me smile this morning.
this song popped up on my songza yesterday as I sent email after email at work.
it brightened my day. perhaps it will do the same for you.
amos lee music is lovely.
happy weekend.
hope you enjoy some soulful moments.
may we be thankful for freedom, as we are all navigating this life together.
A thousand empty windows And only half the lights are out I wonder what these people's lives... What they might be all about
Do they got a lover And could they have a family Could it be they're just as lonesome As you and me
I wanna shout out Shout out loud Why don't you all Just come on out And we can Tear it all down, yeah
White lights burning Down an empty avenue I wonder if their driver Found someone he can go on home to
I wanna shout out Shout out loud Why don't you all Just come on out And we can Tear it all down, yeah
Cause everybody's got a part in the game And everybody's got a cross they can claim And everybody's got somebody to blame But we all must find our own way, yeah yeah
I wanna shout out Shout out loud I wanna shout out Shout out loud I wanna shout out Shout out loud
Shout out loud, yeah, yeah Shout out loud, yeah, yeah
Shout out loud Shout out loud Shout out loud
Well I walked over the bridge Into the city where I live And I saw my old landlord Well we both said, "Hello" There was no where else to go 'Cause his rent I couldn't afford
Well relationships change Though I think it's kind of strange How money makes a man grow Ah, some people they claim If you get enough fame You live over the rainbow, over the rainbow
But the people on the street Out on buses or on feet We all got the same blood flow Oh in society every dollar got a deed We all need a place that we can go And feel over the rainbow
Sometimes we forget what we got Who we are or who we are not I think we got a chance to make it right Keep it loose, keep it tight, keep it tight
I'm in love with a girl who's in love with the world Though I can't help but follow Though I know someday she is bound to go away And stay over the rainbow Got to learn how to let her go over the rainbow
But sometimes we forget who we got Who they are or who they are not There is so much more in love than black and white Keep it loose child, you gotta keep tight Keep it loose, keep it tight, keep it tight Keep it tight, yeah
