scars...

we all have them.

and they are filled with story. 

they explain a challenge faced. 

they show triumph, a badge of honour, explaining a place of hurt and resilience. 

these marks make us unique and particular as they only belong to us individually.

in my opinion, though they often indicate a past pain, 

ultimately, 

they beautify.

they add depth and texture.

recently I have been thinking about these life impressions we carry with us.  

we strive so much to be individuals...to stand out. 

sometimes we add ink to our skin to intentionally scar ourselves so we will remember a moment, a person, an experience, a lesson learned. 

and then we often hide our personal scars, our natural tattoos, which have been created in a more organic fashion throughout our lives. 

c'est interresant.  (it is interesting.)

I think often we show the ones we want only. 

but the scars are there whether we want them to be or not, and we must face them at some point. someone else will see them and wonder, and if we choose not to share the stories, hurts, victories, experiences, we will hinder sweet opportunities to increase connection and closeness. 

I feel like right now in our world we, quite acutely, are being reminded that we must have connection to be healthy and to live life to the full. 

some scars are visible and obvious. some exist inside and are able to be hidden for a time. 

I like them. 

on others. 

I am fascinated and intrigued to hear the story attached to this marking that is clearly unique to the person as I always feel that within this person's narration, I will see a window into who they are and what they have overcome whether the tale that is told is of a childhood fall from a bicycle or a torn tendon while on a skiing trip or a car accident which found them in a shocking situation.  these stories of others never disappoint, in my experience.

whether the story is dramatic or silly, learning about the other connects and delights me.

I even like these external markings on me most of the time.  

what a great conversation starter!  

an opportunity to be asked about why that scratch is on my foot, for example, 

indicates to me an interest and an engagement from another person, a telltale sign that someone is taking the time to learn about me.  

but 

maybe 

only  in theory?

maybe I am particular about which stories I want to tell...

only liking to talk about these physical alterations to my original unblemished skin

and I do not necessarily want to speak quickly and openly about all of my distinctions which others might observe...? 

those inside markings, the ones which can be more subtle and secret...

these more discreet scars often require a deeper level of honesty and vulnerability to tell their stories.  revealing the origin of fears, pains, worries...

well, the difficulty level rises often in that space.

in university, I studied sports medicine.  we spent a fair amount of time learning about anatomy, the human body, injuries, wound care, etc.  of course, we were studying how to care for these external, on the skin, types of injuries, but I think the same sort of approach can apply for our more internal scrapes and bruises.

after an injury, scar tissue buildup makes the next movement of those surrounding muscles more difficult. it is our body's way of protecting us.  we have been hurt and so the body rushes to rebuild and take care of us, instinctively.  

recovery and healing require time. 

bandages? ice?

patience. 

attention. 

care. 

a delicate attending to.  

as we ease back into activity.  we must exercise and break up this scar tissue in order to regain mobility, flexibility, and even the skill of relaxation, as the muscles now naturally tense in a sort of defensive stance.  the tissue that has formed is a sort of a wall, a barrier which has been formed to prevent further hurt which was necessary and beneficial while we were healing.

but after some time, we need to begin to move and utilize these muscles once more. 

if we want to possess mobility again...  

use is key.

in speaking of our internal hurts and scars, we must also choose to try once more to exercise our skills of storytelling, sharing, and noticing...

giving of ourselves once more, bit by bit and working to accept others in the light of our newfound self-knowledge of our common hurts and challenges.

I think we need to move toward our own personal acceptance of the presence of these scars. 

nothing can be done to change them.  

if we are to move forward to regain the ability to connect, they must be embraced and accepted, interwoven into the fabric of our personal stories. 

they are there, present within us.

for the better... 

and I do choose to believe we are better for having struggled and moved forward through these hurts.  

this perspective of betterment does not 

at all 

indicate an attitude of 

dismissal of any of the following:

true difficulty, 

a desire that circumstances or situations could have been different or 

a denial of the presence of  real affliction, 

but 

declares 

a decision to choose hope in their midst.

and even when you learn how to navigate old scar tissue, forming new strength, new wounds will certainly occur.

we have to continue to learn how to break up that resistance to connect once more. 

again and again.

there will always be scars...

we will most likely always wonder if others will flinch or move away when they see ours. 

here we find one more thing we all have in common as humans, 

scars.

ALL of us have them.  

what if we choose to see them as beautiful?

in others 

AND in ourselves.

can we accept and celebrate our markings and be willing to work and heal together? 

to love and to move through and forward?

to see these impressions as uniting forces rather than elements of our stories that separate us or cause us to build walls due to our worry that others will not understand or want to see who we are?

to fight through the fear and worry?

of course, we do not need to reveal all of ourselves to every person we encounter.  

this protective tissue is healthy and important.  our body instinctually protects us for a reason.  

levels of connection appropriately adapt and adjust depending on situation and context.

I speak here, in particular, about the spaces and places with people with whom we desire to shrink the gap of closeness.  

we can choose to listen, 

to love, 

to connect, 

and to create safe spaces with people and for ourselves.  

I am thinking more and more that THIS is the work of relationships, 

to keep showing up for one another, 

committed and willingly wanting to fight through the scar tissue buildup for the 

awe-inducing benefits of connection and joy. 

for me, I think this sort of work is some of the most 

valuable, 

enriching, and 

life-giving work any of us can choose to do.

this artist, james bay, has long been a favourite of mine with his soulful voice and poetic lyrics.  as I wrote, this song came into my mind.  

may we lean in, 

listen, and 

look to increase our mobility in connection

for the betterment of us all.  

cheers,

kb.

facts and feelings...

look for the facts
in the midst of
the feelings.

this strategy pops into my mind so often as I ponder and wonder about life...

I started a separate blog for my students during this time of confinement/quarantine/stay at home.  since my "office" is now in virtual space, this was an idea I had to try to stay connected with them through story and perspective.  so, now as I write, I think...
is this a topic for my freeform thought like I do on this page or is this something I write more tailored toward a teenage audience.

you know what?  it is the same.  :)
the word usage, the capitalization, the added advice or mentor-like language may be a bit different, but the content is the same.
we are all teenagers on the inside, and especially in the midst of navigating life questions.

so, I'll overlap these two sites a bit today and share a story of a monumental moment in the mountains when I was about sixteen.

when I was a kid, I was pretty much scared of everything.  everything that was unfamiliar, that is. 
I liked safety, predictability and comfort.  I am the youngest child and much of the time my family provided this protected space for me for which I am deeply grateful. I have consistently always felt taken care of and nurtured.
as I became a teenager, life sort of felt like it hit me in the face some days.  what once was controllable and generally free from difficulty was now tremendously confusing.
friendships were fun one day and frustrating the next.
suddenly I felt awkward in social situations and didn’t know what to say around people.

now being many years post-teenager, I know that these experiences are common to pretty much all adolescents.
but do you remember being a teenager? oh my goodness.
I thought I was
the.
only.
one.
feeling.
every.
feeling.
I.
had.

the first proper adventure I ever took was to travel to camp in north carolina.
I ventured away from home for the first time from arkansas with a few friends to a week long summer camp.  this camp held within its confines the ability to mountain bike, hike, zip line, ride horses, etc.
every cabin went through what they called the “ropes course” together. 
you might be familiar with this type of activity where you start on the ground attached to a pulley and rope system and gradually ascend higher and higher into the treetops walking across trees, on wires.

when it came time for my group to put on our harnesses and start this grand adventure, I quickly voiced my decision to “opt out” and volunteered to document the time for my fellow campers by taking pictures safely from the ground.

I had no interest in conquering that particular fear.
eventually my friends convinced me to join them, and I adorned my helmet and harness begrudgingly.

this story really begins to get good about 15 minutes into my journey through this course when I reached the end and was given the choice of how to descend from this perch about 5 stories (50 feet or so) in the air. 

I chose to repel down and after MULTIPLE countdowns of “3-2-1”,
I cautiously
with much trepidation,
scooted off the platform. 

being cheered on from above and below, I worked my way down the rope inch by inch. 
around the 40 foot mark,
something
felt
wrong. 
a piece of my very curly hair had somehow gotten wrapped around the metal figure 8 just above my head.
I was stuck.
consultation began between the person on the perch above my head (brad) and person "on belay" below me (scott).  I was too far down to pull back up and way too high to be reached from the ground.
it was decided that they would reach me from above.  brad would need to descend and help release the tension on the figure 8 to allow me to return to earth.
 all involved remained calm, myself included, during this somewhat dramatic rescue. 
we both arrived safely on the ground and my hair was easily detangled.

this adventure, this challenge I faced and completed victoriously literally altered my perspective.  my dad will still say that I returned from that trip changed.

I learned that within risk reward can be found.
I began to learn to process what I know in the midst of all that I do not know.

facts and feelings are best when they work together, holding hands, as partners.

a few feelings swirling within me on that ropes course:  
fear, nervousness, worry, exhilaration, confusion, helplessness, embarrassment, support...
fact:  the climbing rope to which I was attached could hold the weight of a car.
fact:  the wires in the trees are the same used to catch jets on aircraft carriers.
fact:  the people working the course were trained in rescue procedures for just such an occurrence.
fact:  I was not alone.

the past few weeks of confinement have actually been quite lovely and less worrisome for me, so I am not entirely sure why this story has been in my mind.
perhaps it is to do with thinking of all the milestones being missed by those ending the school year without being able to properly celebrate their accomplishments.

challenges seem to be around every corner in new ways in this season, seeming to be more acute when they arise, whether small or large. our senses seem to be a bit more on alert and sensitive.
the bottom line:
if it feels challenging to you, then
it is a challenge,
full stop.

we are all sixteen (or sometimes 6 or 13) on the inside.
as adults, we just learn to fake it a bit better.

looking for the facts
in the midst of
the feelings,
not choosing one or the other,
but naming and celebrating them both,
seems to be a tactic that helps me a bit as I sort out how to live in the healthiest way.

the day after the hair-raising experience, I eagerly  (in the midst of my still present fear) climbed this tower and repelled over and over as I had discovered I was stronger than I had realized.  

in my mind, if this timid teenager can learn to step off the ledge and end up enjoying moments like this one above, it is possible for any of us to meet challenges and live through them with facts and feelings holding hands.

cheers,
kb.

c'est spirituel..

http://www.moreloveletters.com

what a time this is in our lives.

what a season...

it helps me to think of it as a season and not as a new "normal".  nothing about what we are currently are experiencing is normal.  

I am under no illusion that when we are  released from our confinement that all things will be as they once were prior to COVID-19.  

at the same moment, I also choose to keep hope alive that we will be able to return to hugging our friends, exchanging physical affection with those we love, and once again make friends with people who were at one time strangers to us.  

we were created to connect.

this fact has not changed nor will it ever do so.

I am so deeply encouraged by how we are finding hope in the midst of such tragedy,  instinctively choosing to create joyful endeavours to share with one another.  

perfect example:  old school hip hop might not be everyone's cup of tea, but I will tell you that dj nice's instagram live stream spin every day is such  a shot of joy for me.  a big thanks to my brother chad for his lessons in soul and hip hop early in my life which will forever make me dance and smile.

I see people posting amazing videos of uplifting stories and finding ways to raise money for charities to take care of one another.  and thank you, john krasinski for some good news. 

this week during my la classe de français, when talking about what sort of music we liked, I described one of my favourite songwriters as soulful.  jean-paul explained that the closest word in french to soulful is "spirituel". 

this translation made an impression on me.  

one author I enjoy likes to say...

"everything is spiritual." 

I agree with him.  absolutely.  

yes.  music, art, dance, nature, theatre, writing, conversation, service...all of these endeavours hold spirituality, require creativity, and demonstrate people sharing pieces of their (our) souls.
those of us who create, otherwise known as ALL human beings, put our hearts and souls into fashioning our respective pièces de résistance which are so uniquely our own.  when we engage and invest ourselves with something or someone, we share our essence, our spirits.

we are certainly being reminded right now that the human spirit is strong.

c'est spirituel.  (it is spiritual.)

this weekend was one that is considered sacred to many.  even my friends who do not necessarily celebrate Easter or Passover, spent time with friends and family sharing a meal and communing, whether in person or in a virtual way.  it is usually a time for gathering and hope.
in the service I like to attend, we have a time of "passing the peace" with the people sitting near to each other.  we shake hands with those we do not know and exchange hugs or kisses with those we love.
we say "peace be with you." to one another.
it is a lovely time of connection that I confess, growing up, I dreaded.  why would I make a physical connection of any kind with that stranger sitting next to me?

I have long since left this disdain behind and I thought of this lovely gesture of quick human touch and wishing of calm in the midst of whatever personal storms might be present especially this weekend, as we are now told it is not best to be near one another.
I am adhering to this strong suggestion certainly as I see its benefit in prevention, of course.
I suppose I needed to just acknowledge this feeling of loss.

I believe we need to keep connecting no matter what challenges we are facing.

a few things I am giving a go...
write letters to your favourite people.
read books you normally don't take the time to take off the shelves.
create playlists for friends with songs they might like.
work on that language you might have always wanted to learn.
make short video messages to send to your friends.  (this was more fun than I expected it to be. and it usually took a good deal of time because I had to do multiple takes due to the incessant laughing at myself.)

I am remembering that I can always choose hope whether I am sitting next to someone or am more physically distant which is easier some days than others.

c'est spirituel.
so perhaps even the melancholy days hold lessons and goodness within...much like a rainy day brings growth when working in conjunction with sun-drenched days.
I often can appreciate light and levity more in reflection of the clouds.
life happens in seasons whether we are surprised by them or see them arriving in a timely fashion.

every meeting or interaction can be seen as spiritual, soulful, and significant.
on some days, we might need to choose to look a bit deeper for that meaning right now.
(p.s. it is possible this post was just for me to read back to myself.  haha.)

may we keep choosing hope and passing peace to one another,
as we are all in this together.  :)

cheers,
kb.

hope...and presence.

the one activity I have been faithful to practice in my life thus far has been this one...writing.  I suppose that is why I keep this channel open after all of these years.
I find it soothing, a sort of release from the intake of information that builds up in my heart, head, and spirit within any given day.

my spirit is a sort of sponge, both sensitive and strong.
my surroundings make an impression on who I am, how I respond, how I love, how I speak, what I think, how I act...
this fact is one which shapes my definition of
home
family
love
faith
work
hope.

recently I have realized (or remembered or been reminded) that I can find hope in nearly any circumstance.  this photo from a recent return flight made me think of that hopeful outlook I have fostered over the years.
life is big.
creation is vast.
"how in the world are we flying through the air right now in a giant heavy machine?"

that big picture view helps so often when in a state of all-consuming struggle, when it feels like the current state of being will be the only option I will ever have.  so I absolutely need that perspective.

and sometimes...
it is important for me
to be present.
to be just be where I am, in that current moment,
keeping that hope close enough to pull in to avoid going to an extreme mental space,
but also
I am finding it more and more important
to feel
and to allow for the experience to be...
well...
experienced.
so as to gain practical contact with the situation or the person and the feelings in the midst.
when I have an encounter, often unexpected, that impression which is left can help shape new lessons, insight, and wisdom.  it may not feel familiar or always comfortable, but I always learn.
and I like it.
ooooohhhh, do I like to learn!  and a lived, shared experience is my absolute favourite.

my current daily surroundings find me interacting with people who range in age from 10 years to nearly retirement who come from a multitude of cultures and backgrounds, who speak a multitude of languages.
and I love it.
the challenges are endless.  the possibilities to support are immense.  the potential to create team abounds.  the opportunities for my personal growth seem to multiply daily.

in the midst of each day, I see the necessity for the marriage of
my choice to hope
and my challenging quest to be "in the moment".

I have this drawing over my computer in my office.
I have it on the wall at my house.

I think, feel, and know
that if I could make time to do this each day,
to be with,
as I sit and speak with people,
as I join in a spontaneous game of badminton,
as I make my morning coffee and chat with my colleagues,
and even literally, from time to time, find a spot to put my feet up a wall alongside another person
I could call that day
a success.

so so so many things exist beyond my comprehension or explanation,
whether in the grand scheme of life
or in the magic of a shared moment.
and I must say that
I like these two important entities holding hands.

so I will keep trying to show up and will choose to keep hope alive.

cheers,
kb.

oh yea...

 I graduated!  in may, my master's degree in school counseling was finished, and I am still a bit in disbelief.  not that I would achieve my goal, but that it is complete!

one of my senior girls from school gifted me with these lovely rose-coloured glasses before she graduated.  I posed for this picture to send to her, and I think it sums up how I feel about reaching my goal.

woop woop!!!  :)

cheers,
kb.

messy.

by:  charlie mackesy.

today in dallas it is cold.  like blustery, turn your umbrella inside out, winnie the pooh sort of hundred acre wood outside of london cold.  complete with the sideways rain that makes it feel like someone is spitting in your face.  this kind of weather sort of feels like that... like someone is being deeply annoying toward you.  it feels pretty miserable.

though I miss london often, I can be honest and say that the only thing I miss about these types of days is sitting inside relishing the cup of tea and biscuit I got to eat in relief from having escaped such ick.

some days and seasons bring such important lessons that words fail me.  and that makes me feel a bit off-centered, to be honest.

sometimes silence and space are my teachers....
where sadness can sit.
where situations can shift.
where smiling eyes can re-emerge.
where soothing can surface.
where skyscrapers can source.
where strength can rise.

life is messy.
people are messy.
I am messy.

I am thankful that also in my experience the weather changes and relief comes.
you know, london is actually not nearly as foggy and dreary as its reputation would have you think.  spending some time significant time living within its confines revealed a cozy, approachable, often sunny city which welcomed me as I got to know it, no matter how often I got lost as I tried to navigate its tricky paths.
we struggled, certainly.
and also
it became an important piece of my definition of home.
tension has the possibility of leading to deeper trust.

kb.

more than.

theeverygirl.com

sometimes noteworthy people appear in your life when you least expect it.  I suppose most of the time those who truly surprise me, well...surprise me with their "showing up".  

in recent days, I often find myself looking down or just in front of me, at a book, at a computer screen, at a person sitting across from me asking me a question, rather than looking up to observe, to take in my surroundings.  

when I do look up, I find they are ever filled with potential... 

connections.

opportunities.

spaces to grow.

fun.

encouragement.

depth.

ease...

oftentimes my fear and anxiousness about the unknown stops me short of seeing or stepping near possibility or prospects, but recently, 

I looked up.

I reached out.

I leaned in.

it was a good choice.

living life to the full for me seems to consistently compel me toward "letting go a bit and letting my hair down", as someone recently told me.  it is certainly a process, as years of conscientiousness pervades my default mode.  

I love surprises.  

and surprises make me nervous.  

in my experience, anxiousness never fully goes away.  to be honest, I would not want it to do so, as it feels like my friend and familiar companion since I was very young.  

the key for me, I have found, is to not give it the power to lead.

it can be present, as it is useful and beneficial to have in my back pocket, but I aspire (and recently have felt a few more victories) to keep its stubborn grip off my spirit, to keep it from dictating what I will and will not do in my daily life.  

I feel like joy can activate jealousy.  from others, but even more often from within myself, in a weird way.  when lightness, silly, and spontaneous laughter begin to creep into my heart, it feels at times like a thief who is determined to squash that glee out of spite appears, especially when joy might have been kept at bay for awhile.  

it is as if a battle is on 

to silence the good.

today I am thankful for strength to stay in the battle, 

determined to fight for the good, 

choosing to be in the 

vulnerable, 

awkward, 

connected, 

challenged, 

refreshing, 

honest, 

seen 

space of joy.  

I am thankful for potential in others and in myself...

in our abilities as humans to grow, learn, and develop new philosophies, theologies, and strategies.

in our instinctual compulsions to connect, to smile, to ask questions, to care, to seek depth, and to play.

bob goff.

happy sunday.

kb.

outside...

love lives outside of time.

choosing to love is a decision, I believe, but as many decisions are prompted and encouraged by our feelings, the heart holds hands with the head when we love someone.

my grandfather passed away seventeen years ago.  it seems like less than that in my mind.

in college, I dated a boy for less than 6 months, but in my heart, it felt like 6 years when we broke up.

friendships formed and fostered in a particular setting with shared experience which might last days or weeks only can feel like a kindred spirit found for life.

when a connection is made, 

when intimacy is fostered, 

when memories are shared, 

when care is experienced, 

time does not make sense. 

time is irrelevant. 

in my experience, the best moments of life exist outside of time, when I forget to look at my watch or think of my next appointment. 

love is more than.

 love is our common denominator. 

we all know what it is to have it. 

we all know what it is to lack it.

'tis better to have loved and lost 

than to never have loved at all.

                                                     ~alfred lord tennyson

I agree with mr. tennyson.  

oftentimes I feel like this quote is used in reference to romantic relationship type of love.  

as we all know, loss of love takes many forms.  I feel this quote holds up for any type of love. 

I like to look for common experience as I navigate life amongst and in the midst.    

we all have love in common.

love is a risk.  we all know it is possible that it will be lost.

I will forever believe it is worth it.  

I hope today finds you aware of love in your story.  

may we all keep hope alive that love is present and living.  some days we might have to look a little more diligently to find it, but it is there.  

love lives outside of time... yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

cheers,

kb.

sois doux...

it is not a newsflash that language holds power for me nor is it a surprise, I think, that I love to study and learn.
a few years ago when I found myself feeling particularly antsy about the absence of international influence on my day-to-day, I enrolled in a french class.  my heart soared with joy and trembled a bit with nervousness as I worried about my progress and performance each week.  since those days in class, I have kept this language close even if for my own smile inducing knowledge base when I overhear someone speaking it.
sometimes I translate a phrase I have found significance and support within from english to this lovely other language which holds such a captivating tone.
recently, my days have been a bit more mindful, which has enlivened my spirit and brought a bit more peace.

sois doux.
be gentle.

a statement heard so often from a parent to a child as this little one learns how to utilize his or her fine motor skills.  we even use a gentle tone to direct them to model care, as we remember that they are little and need to learn how to lovingly attend to other people and things.
these words make sense to me in regard to relationship with others.
with myself?
pas toujours.
not always.
I find myself saying often that I believe we are all little ones on the inside.  I believe this statement to be a truth, an encouragement, a connector, a frustration...
mostly as a refreshment.
I wonder what today would be like if we all chose to be a bit more gentle with ourselves,
like we do with little ones without even having to think.
and when we forget to do so, what if we were gentle in our redirection, too?

I read not long ago a quote from my friend, bob, which made an impression.

"whether we want to or not, we memorize what we do repeatedly."  

sois doux avec toi-même.  

be gentle with yourself.

just a few thoughts I had today as I work to finish up my summer semester of grad school.  

two papers left to write and then a month off!  huzzah!  

a few days at the beach to follow for a bit of a holiday. 

the week after, preparations begin to start new work at a job where I get to practice a bit of that french language I love and work to help kids navigate life.  I will certainly need to remember to sois doux avec toi-même as I bumble my way through my attempts to use my elementary skills.  

cheers,
kb.

presence.

today, I had breakfast for lunch at the adorably endearing caffe and wine bar around the corner from my apartment.  it feels like you are sitting at a sidewalk café in europe.
my heart is happy there.
they serve coffee so hot, you have to wait to drink it.  if they bring you milk to put in it, as I always ask for, the milk is heated up.  if you order sparkling water or soda, they ask if you would like them to pour it for you.  they care not how long you sit and eat your food at your leisure.
my heart is happy there.
so, this afternoon, as I sat feeling light, looking at the tree-lined streets of my neighbourhood with eyes that felt clear and sharp like I had just put in a fresh pair of contact lenses, I read a book about emotional agility.  I am taking an elective this summer semester in grad school on mindfulness, essentially the choice to live in the present moment with acceptance and kindness, so I do find myself being more aware of my surroundings than I have in recent months.  I am thankful to be reminded to do something I feel I have an instinctual (both by nature and by excellent mentoring over the years) tendency toward.
perhaps some of this practice is, indeed, seeping into my daily life.

ok, that is a long preface to get to the point of this story.
shocking, I know.  :)

as I finished the last bites of my divine bagel sandwich, a couple walked out of the caffe.
I did a double take and tried not to gawk.
this couple was familiar to me.
I do not know their names, but I certainly knew their faces and had seen them before.

earlier in the week, I tried a new coffee shop a few miles down the road.  I adore coffee shops, and finding the spots where I can take my computer to work on homework, people watch, read a book, or all of the above, is always on the top of my list of favourite things to do, especially when I move to a new neighbourhood as I have done recently.
this coffee shop is in an odd spot attached to an office building, not exactly an easy find.  I drove past it even using my GPS the first time.

as I sat trying to force myself to focus on getting work done, a couple came in and sat next to me.
I remember being a touch annoyed, wondering why they needed to sit so near when there were a  number of empty tables elsewhere that did not seem to invade my space.
quickly my disdain turned to delight as I listened to the two giggle at one another as they spoke.  she brought him a gift of cookies which she gave him nervously.
he giggled and thanked her acknowledging a previous conversation that led her to buy them for him.
I tried not to draw attention to myself or to eavesdrop impolitely.  their interaction was lovely.
they inspired me to write...

a couple sits to my left in a new coffee shop find.
they giggle at each other which exhibits a contagious spirit of all things kind.
at a glance they appear an odd match, if on a date they happen to be,
then again, who am I to decide who should be a "we".
she gave a gift to start.
he shared SNL parodies which certainly are filled with art.
the joy makes my eyes smile,
as I have not observed others in a while.

this SAME COUPLE walked out of my favourite caffe this morning!
the.
SAME.
COUPLE!
I had to suppress my grin and try not to stare.  she held a gift bag which I can only assume was a reciprocation of the gift she had given him earlier in the week.  they were smiling fondly at one another as they chatted on the sidewalk before hugging goodbye.
I couldn't believe it.
I still cannot believe it.
I feel like I have gotten the privilege to witness a bit of their friendship, and it makes my spirit smile.

you never know what you might notice if you
choose.
to.
notice.

happy friday, friends,
kb.

winter? in texas...

seasons are key.
in texas, seasons are sparse. it is 70 degrees in february, and you can walk to lunch from your office.
the walking, I fancy.
the up and down climate...?
well, I believe in
and prefer seasons.

life is filled with uncertainty and chaos, and without some predictable elements, I confess I often feel out of sorts.
this year began with more activity on my calendar, and I am thankful, as these planned events all are filled with people work of various kinds... all moving me toward finding my heartbeat which has felt a bit distant in recent years.
have you ever spent time away from your joy center?
away from the work that exhausts in envigorating ways?
sometimes a break is needed to recharge, refresh, and renew.
sometimes those muscles which were worked so rigorously for so many years feel a bit weak and need to be attended to more mindfully than before when novelty and innocence abounded.

muscle memory.
it is a real thing.
I find myself realising that I have to be patient with myself as I ease back into using instincts and learned skills which are foundational in my spirit. many of these abilities have laid dormant in recent years as I have explored and tried to sort out the next path.
I am working to remember what I do well.
where I thrive.
where I come alive.
where my joy is contagious.

sometimes life and obligations cloud and distract from bigger perspective.
at times people pull me off track and trip me up.
life is a battle.

may this year continue to find me fighting for the joy of making a positive impression on people with whom I have the privilege to do life alongside.

cheers,
kb.

swim.

a good teacher encourages a students to believe in oneself.
clearly, we are not all adept at doing "anything we put our minds to", despite that early cheer from many of our parents when we were little ones.
if we could do anything, well...
if I could do ANYTHING, well, I would probably not engage in much.  in fact, on days and during seasons of life where I have infinite time with little structure, I do just that...very little.
direction is necessary for me to feel able to focus.
self-awareness enables me to move forward...toward.

a couple of weeks ago, I spent five days in colorado diligently working on counseling skills.  not techniques really.  more lessons in listening.
each day brought challenge and stretching.
I had fun.
it turns out I have chosen a field that does, indeed, suit me.
I learned.
this master's degree I am pursuing is making me a deeper, better version of me.  not a new me.  a deeper version of me.  I like it.

at times, I feel like a broken record, playing the same song again and again, speaking of transition, change, and rebuilding my nest.  at the same moment, I think, aren't we all going through these stages?  starting over daily to work toward becoming and nesting?
I told someone recently that I feel my sweet spot may be where familiarity and mystery connect.
my rootedness and desire to be known needs some run-ins with brand new relationships and change of dynamic.
I need risk.
it makes me uncomfortable.  it humbles me.  sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe.
I need risk.
I also need roots.
they make me feel safe.  I smile more.  I get to be silly.  I feel supported.
I need roots.

swim.
feel the bottom of the pool.
know your muscles remember what to do.
push off the wall, float, breathe.
find a rhythm, and relax.
swim.

a steady job.
a new nest to be found.
studies abound.
relationships to deepen.

happy summer, friends!
cheers,
kb.

eyes that smile...

do you know what things in life make your eyes smile?
in my experience, it is of the utmost importance to remember said things and keep as near to them as possible.
I have at times made a list.
it helps.
my list is quite lengthy, as I am easily entertained and often a small child, but recently as I strive toward gaining a bit more focus, I see three items that rise to the top:

accents.
kiddos.
counseling.

my friend, tomàš is czech.  he was one of my manager's at a job in colorado, and he is delightful.
truly delightful.
one day, on a particularly stressful, frustrating afternoon working alongside this sweet man, I made a statement to the effect of "tomàš, this is ridiculous!".  in one of those providential moments, I thought to ask him how to translate the word 'ridiculous' into czech.  he thought for a bit and declared,
"hloupy' (hi-lōpē)!".  I replied, "yes!  that word even sounds ridiculous!"
and, so it began...  tomàš would teach me more and more words and phrases in his native language, and we both were both entertained and soothed by this distraction from the deep frustrations we faced at work.  oh, wait.  our language lessons actually started after I recognized a word he used in speaking with another czech who worked at the resort.  he said, "dobre", which means, 'good'.  I recognized it from a trip I took years ago to bulgaria.  saying "dobre" and showing a thumbs up was literally the extent of our ability to communicate for many of us.  tomàš beamed with joy when I acknowledged knowing this word!  that is where our discussion in language commenced.
I love language and culture.  an accent indicates both, and learning happens here.
every time.
london taught me to appreciate culture and international community.  joy lives here for me.

over the years, I have been blessed to make friends of many little ones...at camp, babysitting, kids of friends, teaching, etc.  no matter the setting, kids and I get along well.  they are honest, engaging, simple, deep, authentic, hilarious, accepting, and smart.

my master's studies are going well.  these classes are the thread that is keeping me focused on the larger goal I have to do counseling full time.  I think I have an idea of setting, as well.  I am working on it.  helping people process life is such an honour and a blessing to me.

so, for now, I will only mention these three that are on my overarching career track goal.  I know joy lives with these elements in my life, and in a time of life where there seems to be a fair bit of loss and more "real life" than I prefer, I go back to that list of things that make my eyes smile.
a real life example:
today, a girl at work mentioned by happenstance that she and her husband leave for boston tomorrow for week.  I nearly fell down with joy!  she asked me to tell her everything I know.
a couple of times my words got jumbled with that joy.  she giggled at me.  I loved it.  that conversation brought me out of my fog that had settled in this morning.
and, you know what?  when I go back to that list, I also realize that it has more on it than I sometimes remember.
I hope you make a list and lean in to those spots.

life is short and we are meant to live it fully.

happy wednesday!
cheers,
kb.

I choose HOPE.

oubliant ce qui est en arrière
et tendant vers ce qui est en avant... (phil. 3.13)

this saying to the left has become prominent as of late in regard to elizabeth warren's resistance toward being silenced.  I do not currently find myself in a place where people are unwilling to hear what I have to say, but I do very much like the sentiment and tenacity that this sentence speaks to my spirit.
whether up against a foe or a challenge or feeling a bit underneath stigma or lacking confidence, this charge carries connotation of effort, determination, and moxie.

I speak often of transition and change.  so much so that it almost seems rote or shoulder-shrugging typical, and though it has become a normal state of being for me in perhaps more obvious, tangible ways than some other people, the truth which also lies in this constant shifting is that it is full of emotion, loss, gain, and mindfulness.
my address is being altered beginning in march to a residence that is not a foreign one but one I call familiar.
it could seem like a "going-back".
but it is not.



it is a mindful decision to move forward.
I had a couple of questions that I needed to have answered here in this mountain town, and that task having now been accomplished, the next chapter needs to begin.

the choices others make, at times, make me sad.  

the choices I make, at times, make others sad, I know, as well.  (I wish that were not so.) 

but you know what? 

life is not a quest to avoid sadness.

it is about living life to the full.    

and feeling it ALL.

loving to the grandest, bravest extent.  

so, I am doing my best to live fully and sometimes that means more transition, whether my spirit would choose that decision firstly or not.  

I try to build relationships that last a lifetime.  so, ending any connection in a way that feels unfinished, hurt-filled, or lost leaves a wound.  

every.

time.

mourning never ceases on some level because life lived alongside friends, layers in shared moments, inside jokes, memories of connection points which constantly pop up in day to day life no matter what my address happens to read.  so, I want to send that text, picture, or reference when I see it to make that friend laugh or smile knowingly on the other end of the phone.  needing to stop short of pushing that arrow that indicates it will reconnect us...

hurts.  

I respect the boundary.  I intellectually acknowledge the distance to be in place.  

I will never like it.

                                  

this change holds opportunity and hope.  

I am thankful for a lifeboat that has been extended.  it is a wise decision to accept it.

right now, I am sat feeling tired.  

peaceful.

tired.

sad.

hopeful.

thankful.

"sometimes the best way to go is to just go on."      

                                                                -kimmy schmidt.                                               

cheers,
kb.

each step is to be celebrated.

though my studies did not often take me to the brick and mortar library this semester, I do feel this image from the BPL appropriate.  

the first semester of my quest toward a master's degree is COMPLETE!

colorado is quiet.
this is not news to my spirit.  
it is for this solace and peace that I chose this locale for work on my advanced degree.  I now know what sort of day-to-day life needs to look like to make certain school gets done well alongside regular life tasks.  
I can complete this degree.
it was unknown and untouchable before this past handful of months.  
it now is a reality and somewhat known in its needs and rhythm.  

attainable.  
enjoyable.
flexible.
good.

writing a personal narrative for one of my final assignments for one my classes, I sat and contemplated a number... 
six.
the number of moves I have made since my world expanded quite literally.  difficult to believe for me and for you, I would imagine, as well.  

searching for "home".  
searching for safe spaces to "become".

to be honest, I have no indication that this search will cease anytime soon.  I do not necessarily plan to keep moving locations as much as I have this past 10 years or so, 
but I will continue to seek out spots where I feel engaged, alive, challenged, and safe in spirit.

I certainly hope that my search for identity never ceases to be a quest of mine.

this next physical move, whenever it happens, I can tell you, will be with laser clear focus on a newly found vision for a path for which I have seen in the distance for some time and now is just within arms reach.

happy Christmas!
cheers,
kb.

premier jour...

tulipsandflightsuits.squarespace.com

tomorrow is my first day of graduate school.

for over a decade, I have been talking about getting my master's degree in counseling.   and tomorrow, I begin actual work toward accomplishing that goal.
goal-setting is not necessarily my forte.
there are many people who have wondered, I am certain, if I would ever figure out how to make this dream a reality.
recently, especially, I have made choices to prioritize certain things in my life, such as this quest, that have made some confused about what I thinking.

tomorrow, I embark on an important journey toward a grand goal,
and I am excited.
I love school.

my classroom this time around will be my tiny flat in a little town in colorado, and I will work a full day and then return home to simply open my computer and begin to read on "syllabus day".
and I will love every  minute of it.

I hope school is starting well for everyone far and wide whether you are sending kiddos off in fresh outfits or beginning new classes yourself.  there is no doubt we are all learning new things as the autumn begins.
ask questions and be brave.
sharpen some pencils or buy a fresh calendar and lean into the new season with me.
thank you for celebrating with me as you read this blog post.

tomorrow is my first day of school,
and I am excited.

"don't you just love new york in the fall.  it makes me want to buy school supplies.  
I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils, if I knew your name and address."

cheers,
kb.

five...

this week I met a girl called clara.
clara is five.
her grandpa, or "pop pop" as she calls him because in her words, accompanied by a palms up gesture of both hands, "he is our grandpa, so that makes sense", takes care of the landscaping at our property where I work.  s
he was sitting in the lobby on one of our leather couches sipping water waiting on her brother.  I walked around the counter to get some tea and struck up a conversation.
she is highly intelligent and articulate, speaking in intonation and nuance far older than her years.
clara told me all about her family, about how they live nearby but are currently in search of a tiny house for a move.
{sigh}... kiddos.  oh how lovely.
today, clara again walked through our lobby door alongside her brother.
she pointed at me, saying something about how she and I talked yesterday.  I greeted her, and she announced, "my shoes are on the wrong feet!", followed by a laugh and silly eye roll.
"can I help you switch those shoes, clara?", I inquired.
she nodded.
as we discussed her mismatched socks and whether double knots were her preference, I worked on getting her shoes sorted.  as I untied and tied again, she told me all about what sort of flowers her pop pop was planting this afternoon, explaining that they were brown in colour, but not "the dead sort of brown".  she assured me they do not plant dead flowers.
the storytelling ability in this little one delighted my spirit in a way I can hardly capture with words.
as her parents were waiting somewhere on the property for them both, I handed them both some fresh cold water and told them it was good to see them.
"good to see you, too!", clara said with a wave.

five year old friends may be my favourite of all time.  forgive me, adult friends who read this, but those little ones give me a dose of simple, silly, and serene that I find few other places.

I hope you get to chat with a little one today or very soon.
don't pass up that opportunity.
they have the keys to life without a doubt.

I do not have a picture of clara, but this is another little friend of mine called mary grace (along with another couple pals that bless me) who always has showered my spirit with goodness.

cheers,
kb.

patience...

patient.
kind.
not self-seeking.

just a few words that describe how love for people is meant to be handled.  I do ok with that middle directive.  generally, I have a natural affinity toward kindness, and I believe choosing to be so can literally change relationships in lasting, powerful ways.

now as for the other two "strong suggestions"...
a bit tougher for my spirit.
my childlike insides get wicked greedy on a regular basis.  sweet time spent laughing, playing, sharing life leaves me overwhelmed with glee and thanks.
and then,
in a quite short amount of time, I am sat wanting more and more.  sometimes that desire can even overshadow the sweetness of the aforementioned quality time I recently had been gifted.

oooooh, that frustrates me.  when I let my selfishness steal the joy from the present moment.
ew.
in these moments of overwhelming thoughts of "the world revolves around kym", I am transported back to a time when I lived with a favourite friend called lee.
lee is lovely...smart, beautiful inside and out, people focused, loving, organized, disciplined, hilarious, intentional, giving...
her husband's name is clay.  clay and lee met, dated, and got married during the time I shared a house with lee, and I still feel privileged to have gotten to witness their connection find its shape in those early days.
one day during their early days of finding their rhythm, I asked clay if it was difficult being patient with lee as she sorted what space was allotted for him in her life.
(in the beginning, lee was pretty guarded with her time and with her heart.)
clay, in my mind, personifies peace.
he replied, calmly,
"I consider all the time spent with lee as a gift.  so, as much or as little as I get, I am thankful."
cue deep breath.

patience in the waiting, in the tension of the unknown and the unresolved...
with people in my life,
with violence in the world,
with situations that I think could be so much better with a little prevention and planning...
so challenging.
and, at the same moment, I think
what is the alternative?
emotions like bitterness and frustration with furrowed brows and a closed off heart?

a series studying the book of habakkuk has been timely these past few weeks as eagerness for resolution of tension in life overwhelms us all.

I hope I continue to choose to breathe into the tension today.
when I have chosen the other less joy-filled alternative, I don't even want to hang out with me.
why would others want to?  that makes my goal of connection significantly less reachable.
(I chose that more negative alternative as recently as yesterday.)

may today bring more choice for perspective, breath, and living in the present for us all.

love is a choice.

cheers,
kb.

westward peace.

a first view of this particular sort of majesty as I turned a corner in may on my most recent cross country drive.  

breath.

taking.

a spring greeting to me upon moving into my new colorado home.  poppies are a forever favourite since my definition of home expanded to include london.  their meaning across the pond connotes remembrance and honour.  

lovely.

words of truth that run on a loop in my head and heart as of late.  

peace.

not from people or from any situation or setting I can control.  which makes me think of the 

new avett brothers music out this week which I am listening to on a joyful loop. 

such goodness.

a slower pace.

deep need for patience and breathing.

new connections and old being furthered. 

all good things.

thankful.

cheers,

kb.