new year's eve (NYE).  

at the moment, I am watching season 1 of new girl from my dvd received last week this time.  

stacey (my roommate and giver of said hilarity) and I have laughed so hard remembering these past episodes.  this show is my new 'friends'. both of these sitcoms hold up for me and can be watched again and again.  

truly.  the quotables and the ridiculousness that helps me escape real life and turn off my brain.  

oh. my. word.  

so so good.  it also reminds me of a community I once had.  the dynamic is not identical, of course, but the interactions between close friends, most specifically guy dynamic is so deeply funny and familiar.  

we started a new tradition of taking down all the ornaments off the tree and simply leaving the white lights to ring in the new year.  my friend, erin, gets the props for this idea.  traditions...sigh, lovely.

when harry met sally (always watch on NYE. #tradition) is soon to be popped into the dvd player, and I will choose to stay in this "first night" (as they call it in beantown), as a cathartic alternative to being in the cold ringing in with the masses elsewhere.  perhaps next year I will venture in to see the giant ice sculptures and listen to live music.  tonight, I am content here.  and, thankful... 

thankful that my friend, sarah, in austin, appears to be on the upswing.  

thankful that my friend, karlie, has only a sore back from a very scary car accident yesterday.

thankful for life, health, and friends.

speaking of art that holds up, as ever david gray playing on my shuffle on the drive home from work today made me want to write this post.  even when I rotate the vast library of david off of my music mix, I leave a handful of dg as a fixture.  this song is one of those staples... have a listen.

'new horizons', david gray.     

(lyrics below for those of you who like to read along and remember the days of tape/cd jackets.)

Weight on my shoulders
But I'm walking so tall
Out into the new horizon
Wonder in everything
No matter how great or small
Howlin' like the midnight
Howlin' like the midnight sun
And this ain't no pale reflection
This is the real thing
New horizon
New horizon within

And your heart ain't yours to control
No matter how tight the reigns
Love will find it's own direction
A time to reap, a time to sow
And many a time to cry in vain
But now the time to celebrate 
The glory of this imperfection
Same thing that's scrawled across the stars
Is written under our skin
New horizon 
New horizon within

Things come too easy, I get suspicious
Things come too slow, I get bored
If it don't work out I get superstitious
But if it does, oh my word

So I'm gathering all the remnants of beauty
From this wilderness in spin
And now I'm gonna light my own flame
'cause I'm charged with the radiance of the dawn
That's been so long breaking
Now there ain't nowhere
There ain't nowhere I won't write your name
There's a time to search for understanding
Sometime you just gotta sing
New horizon
New horizon within

Baby there's no need to get precious
When you know that everything must change
Complacency, it can be so vicious
Turn this love into a cage

Same thing that's scrawled across the stars
Is written under our skin
New horizon 
New horizon within.

today this song seemed apt. hope you enjoy.

within this twenty thirteen 1st january and 31st december...
I hope to find myself in grad school at some point this year.
I hope to be employed by a university.
I hope to live in the midst of a community of people with whom I do life--knowing them and being known by them.
I hope to know boston better and have attended multiple sporting events involving celts and sawks.

just a few hopes of the top of my head.
most of all, I will choose to hope.
may your new year be blessed with life, love, and other mysteries.
(if you start singing when you read that...well, you are welcome.  this phrase just stayed in my head in the early nineties, what can I say?  haha.)

cheers,
kb.

ridiculous.

I love it.
happy weekend!
kb.

{credit: wendellcole.tumblr.com}

go.

oftentimes, I find myself needing to be told to move.  I have a tendency to sit still in physicality and to move at a ridiculously speedy pace within my mind. 

I do not have to work to think.  it happens as I breathe.

one of the reasons I love city life lies in the absolute essentiality of physical motion.  I find challenges on a daily basis that humble, stretch, and alter me.  

some who I hold dear do not understand the love I carry so deeply for a metropolis.  

what I have discovered during my endless processing sessions is how the heartbeat of a city with all of its hidden virtues, array of accents, and urban realities feeds my hunger for knowledge, thinking, discovery, and story.  

I love hearing people's stories which exist in such contrast to experiences I have had in my own. and yet, we can still connect in some way, even if it is only in the commonality of city life and handling all of its beauty and woes.  

it is good for me to walk into an unknown situation on a daily basis.  my brain stays awake and my character deepens as I face fears and am moved to persevere.  *romans 5.4 pops into my mind, and thereby I am led to another utterly crucial element for authentic living for me:  

Scripture, the Bible, the Word.  

these words, sentences, and paragraphs that to some are simply words written in quite an old book that I learned as a little kiddo in church and in my home began to be poignant and functional in a very unique way when I moved into a city.  I had a need for a spot to *anchor in such a literal sea of chaos that life in a crowded, noisy, building-filled place holds, that of which I had never been previously aware.

I remember sitting at an outdoor table at my st. john's wood starbucks one afternoon with my friends, whitney, courtney, micaela, and claire talking about Scripture.  the question arose about whether reading the Bible had real life application.  

at times when I have one of those "city moments", I think about that conversation.  

do I have faith in what I say I do?  in Who I say I do? 

is the book significant?  or just a book? 

and then, I move (or go) once more.  

faith is in my feet.  

not in my head, in my thoughts, or in my analyzations.  

in my steps, endeavours, and activities.  

I believe the initial light bulb moment of all these earlier enlightenments in this post happened during my time living overseas in my initial encounter with life so different than all years prior.  

I hear myself often describing london as a TRULY foreign experience, in every way.

my time in the mountains brought with it exploration of peace and true community.  

I had the gift of sweet friendships and loads of quiet time to see a healthier way to navigate engagement and retreat.  

for me, the quest is allowing this continuous processing/analyzing in my head to link together with the "go-ing"to hopefully find myself living an authentic, honest, deep, joyful, peace-filled existence in the present moment.  taking it all in, moving ahead, remembering/celebrating victories, regretting nothing, and seeing/believing the Hand upon it all.  

I find myself now in boston, in my second urban home, finding consistency in *Truth once again, in a very real, applicable, day-to-day way that brings with it beauty, humility, and intimacy.  

lessons mentioned here are simply my story. 

you may acquire/have acquired realizations of what rhythm grounds you in an urban, suburban, or rural setting.  none is better than another.  

life is such an intensely personal endeavour.  

thanks be to God.  

were it general and blanket...?

well, the word that comes to mind is dull.  

have you ever watched inside the actor's studio with james lipton?  it is shown on the bravo channel.  this show is brilliant to me, largely because james walks the actor on stage through their story, asking them questions about their career ultimately, but clearly their personal journey is interwoven in defining their acting skills.  today, I watched two we had tivo'ed (truly one of the best inventions ever.):  liam neeson and eddie murphy.  

james made a comment that struck me.  he was speaking about something in the world of acting.

I see it applying to city life for me. (this cannot be separated from that city having been abroad, as well.)

when I moved to london, my first city..."it is like a door has opened.  it will never close."  

I am changed, broadened, impacted, impressed upon, deepened...

what experiences in your life have altered your perspective and given you more corners in the box you previously inhabited?  most likely those corners frequently appear when you have transitioned from one thing to another, from one state of being to another, or from one place to another.  

(another common human connection point.) 

goodness, I am thankful. and blessed.

laura, thank you for asking me lead little ones back in the day for so many sweet reasons.  

the one, I find myself remember today (and SO often) is this verse in the form of a song...

"be strong and courageous. do not be terrified. do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you... (duet.31.6).  *anchor point. 

ok, and something light and seriously smart in humour...

please tell me you watch this show.  it makes me laugh so hard.  so much so that I need to watch each episode multiple times to ensure I hear all the quips.  this link is a classic moment of absurd funny.

nick and schmidt.

happy november.

kb.

welcome to autumn!  the weather outside today here in boston is cloudy and cold in typical new england fashion.  we are holding out as long as humanly possible to turn on the heat, so I am sipping endless cups of coffee and donning a hoodie today on my day off.  for any of you who know me at all, you know that makes me miserable.  ahhh...october.  deep smiles.  

home is shaping up bit by bit.  yesterday I recieved my official massachusetts driver's license, making me now someone who has a valid form of identification stating MA residency.  very nice.

my room has shaped up to be a lovely place I like to inhabit thanks to a bit of time, some old favourites, a bit of creativity, and my j.crew store closing down and allowing those of us it employed to snag a few items that were not going to be transferred to the new store. (see ladder, chair, and blue ottoman)

my friend, erin, is quite keen on ladders lately (we.fancy.that.).  I share her fondness.  this ladder is my highlight of my nesting in boston thus far!

my room is sort of an interesting one, in that it has two doors.  as you ascend the entry stairs, one door is immediately to your right (the one nearest the large framed mirror).  directly across from that door is another (the one near the bookshelves) that goes into the corridor near the bathroom. 

so, if you so desired, you could use my room as a cut-through to get to the kitchen.  sort of weird, I suppose, but I love its uniqueness.  quirky allows for creativity.   

some different angles of my nest, you shall see below...

now, plan a visit!  the guest room is just across the staircase from my room.  ready and waiting!

on a random note, I am avoiding news and way too many political adverts today by playing movies in the background of my laundry/sorting out life day.  

an old fave now playing in my living room you might dig up for a good laugh...

happy october all!

kb

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

so, tonight I got to reunite with this girl.  we live in the same city once more, and my heart is happy.
she is one of my all-time favourites.
I am thankful.
boston keeps getting better by the day.
thanks be to God.
cheers,
kb.

 my welcome to my new boston home from my new roommate, stacey.

 pictorial snapshot of my story for my j. crew sales assoc. training.

an addition I made this summer which is helping in this transitional time... 

 continue to take steps.  not leaps, for me.  

steps.

stopping to see the sunset out my upstairs apartment window...

the fourth week of my new boston residing is in swing.  my room gets cozier every couple of days, as I continue to piece together my nest here.  a rug, large framed mirror, and floor lamp, my recent additions.  seeing them in their spots brings a smile to my face each time I walk in.  

went to my first dinner party (with new friends of mine, not alongside my roommate) this past weekend, and I may have over thanked christina and alessandro for their hospitality with texts and thank you note.  but, it was lovely. and I needed to express that.  haha.  

connections made through my sweet friend, abby, from trail west.  

the list for properly getting settled in still has a few items on it, like changing over my license, tags, and insurance, but giant steps have been made to make me more of a resident and less a visitor.  

I have even navigated a handful of driving journeys sans GPS in recent days.  believe me when I say, this is NO small feat.  

this transition is real.  I feel myself needing to relax my shoulders and remind myself to breathe often.  however, the haze is clearer than it has been for me in the past in times of change.  

and for this fact, I am thankful. 

I am more present than before when I have first moved to a new locale.  

I am still humbled over and over and over, ad nauseam, I assure you.  

and at the same moment, I rejoice in the victories that appear so often.  

I am thankful for that awareness that I can only explain as "more than I can ask or imagine".

thanks be to God.  

I pray the fall is beginning wherever you are today.  the temperature has cooled here, and my spirit is full of joy.  so much that I am thinking of following in my friend, lana's, footsteps in making 

dark chocolate chip pumpkin cookies.  http://tothesoulofeverything.tumblr.com/

cheers and blessings,

kb.

in boston, I now reside...

more details about my travel across the country, the friends I popped in on, and the stories/memories made soon...

until then, I'll be here...

cheers,
kb.

this week I pack up my cozy little nest off hwy 361 in buena vista, co.  I do have a proper house number, but it seems fitting to describe its location rather than spell out a mailing address.  this little town is so landmark oriented, laden with dirt roads, forks in the road, hiking trails, tumbleweeds, and even a water tower you can climb up on if you disregard the "no trespassing" signs that surround it.
do you have a visual of the town in sweet home alabama?  I do.
this sleepy town has been such a place of replenishment and retreat.

I have made new lifelong friendships.
I have learned lessons I will not soon forget.
I have experienced peace like a river.
I have weathered storms full of literal and symbolic 75 mph winds.
I have discovered a better rhythm for myself in life.
I have learned lessons in accepting grace and pursuing peace.
I have been taught to stay clear and to stay Close.
I have experienced the deep, vast difference between ministry and community and the need for both.

and that list only scratches the surface of things discovered and revealed.  I could tell stories about each of those above for days.
I am changed by all of my experiences and encounters here in colorado.

I am the same, but a bit different.

hmmm...yes. 

I made myself smile at discovering that truth above as I truly found those words as I was typing.  

my time at trail west ended with a handful of bumps in the road that surprised me. my health has so deeply increased during this past couple of years, that all the emotions of hurt, frustration, confusion, anger, and utter dumbfoundedness, caught me off guard.  over the past month, I began to question if I would still be able to leave this chapter feeling healthy in the midst of such deep hurt.  

as the emotions progress and I continue to navigate this broken situation, the Lord is revealing that health and hurt are not mutually exclusive.  this statement may seem an obvious one, but when your heart leads you as mine does more times than not, it takes me a time of processing to allow my brain to kick in and help me anchor to fact and truth.  

my biggest fear in all the drama having gone on (and seemingly continuing) at trail west, a place so dear to me and so many others, has been that we as individuals who work there (my sweet tw friends) would lose ourselves in the midst of all the unknown.  that we would forget our "names".  

my dear friend, beth, encouraged me with this verse not long ago, and it now is framed in my line of sight in my house...  

for in Him we live and move and have our being.  acts 17.28.

oh how often in the recent weeks reading these words, I have felt encouraged.  if we look to anyone else to root us in significance or love, we are left feeling a sense of lack.  never underestimate what an encouragement can mean to someone.  in the moment and in the moments to follow for "a time such as this".  we are a body of many parts, and we need each other to stay healthy.  

I leave here in less than a week, most likely friday, to begin the trek across the country in my jetta.  

it will be sad to leave.  

I will love the travel and the people I will get to visit along the way.  

difficult.  

healthy.

faith is in my feet.

cheers,

kb.

(oh, this video at the top?  a quick visual of how fun this summer community of mine is... so so good!)

this past saturday marked my last day of work at trail west.  above you will see pictures I took along the way during #lastweek.

what a journey it has been here.  I will not attempt to sum it up here and now.
it does help in an odd way to have many friends departing at the same time as myself.
I have felt so surrounded and loved here by these people, and I am grateful and honoured to begin and end my time alongside them.
loads of emotion and processing...  both things I am quite accustomed to being in the midst of.  haha.
this chapter is closed, and I am just as sad as I am excited about the next one to open.

I make my move across the country at the end of next week...
to...

BOSTON.

more info to follow, of course...
cheers,
kb.

change.

"change is basically a shift in the relation of the parts of a whole or the admission of some foreign element into the original composition."  -a.w. tozer.

change:  an alteration or modification.  -webster dictionary

I feel as if I have written about this life constant many times over the history of this chronicle.  

perhaps, it is due to the fact that the shifting is ongoing. 

perhaps, this repetition is to help me remember the difference and distinction between

constant and fluid. 

I am certain both above statements have importance and truth within.  

one of my favourite books is "The Knowledge of the Holy" by A.W. Tozer.  

(the quote above can be found here.)

I keep this book in my bag most of the time, as the chapters are small and easily read while waiting for a dentist appointment or for a friend who is a few minutes late to breakfast.  though bite-sized in word content, the depth of meaning and profundity is vast.  

truth remains truth, never ceasing to challenge and remind me of who I am and who God remains.

this morning over coffee I read once again the chapter on the immutability of God, or in other words, His inability to change.

a few thoughts that resonated with me...

"In God no change is possible; in men change is impossible to escape."

"The law of mutation belongs to a fallen world, but God is immutable (unchanging), and in Him men of faith find at last eternal permanence."

"In this world where men forget us, change their attitude toward us as their private interests dictate, and revise their opinion of us for the slightest cause, is it not a source of wondrous strength to know that the God with whom we have to do changes not?  That His attitude toward us now is the same as it was in eternity past and will be in eternity to come?"  

Malachi 3:6...

         "I the Lord do not change..."

today, I am thankful that in the midst of crazy, chaotic, unpredictable life, the Lord is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  (Hebrews 13.5-6, 8)

I have this friend, dave, with whom I did summer staff several years ago at a place called windy gap.  you might recognize him or at least his voice.  dave is a gifted song writer, musician, and believer.  click on the link below to hear his poignant take on this God truth.

your love will never change...dave barnes.

They tell me

There's songs reserved for angels
Would you sing me one, a stranger
Just to prove your love

And You know they tell me
You've given poor men kingdoms
Handed guilty freedom
Taken on their stains
Your love will never change
Your love will never change

They tell me
You dwell with good and evil
In alleys and cathedrals
Shadows and a light

And You know they tell me
You hold the world together
Not from guilt but pleasure
You somehow know my name
Your love will never change
Your love will never change

So tell me
There's nothing that You can't do
Love me thought I've hurt You
You'll take all my blame
Your love will never change
Your love will never change
Your love will never change

I hope your week is filled with deep breaths of how deeply loved you are, just as you are.  

cheers,

kb.

week three begins today.
our first week was difficult in big and small ways that I cannot aptly describe and do not feel need to re-live, to be honest.
the week after was beyond description better than our first one.  all involved, both those who reside here for only a month and those of us who call tw home for the whole of the summer were more at ease and breathing a bit easier.

don't get me wrong. better does not mean easy in many senses.  we are still quite obviously humans with all the weaknesses and insecurities that we always possess.

I overheard a conversation in the hallway of the lodge today between a boss and a high school work crew girl.  the boss was explaining in no uncertain terms that her attitude needed to change.  I crept by them and quickly ducked into my office.
difficult for all involved. 

I also saw staff people with furrowed brows discussing an unknown situation (to me), clearly trying to sort out a best course of action.
challenging. 

last week, horses and guests (often on said horses, at the time) chose behaviour that boggled brains of the wranglers.
exhausting.

and, changes to our daily schedules continue to pop up causing us to have to flex and adapt far more than we are normally accustomed.  
letting loose of our grip a bit more.

for me, the "better factor" has arisen in relational dynamic settling.
if my community of friends is sound and at peace, I simply have more reserve and resource to tackle all those around me who need me to think on my feet and make things happen.  I expect those who arrive in the summer to work for a month to have requests, suggestions, and expectations that need to be assessed, addressed, and achieved.  I expect them to not completely "get" what is possible with respect to those of us who know the world of our property like the back of our hand.
visitors do not know.
that is ok.
why should they know?
it is when those of us who do know, our core tw family, get at odds with one another that I feel disjointed.
I become adrift.
when we do not communicate well or become frustrated with one another, all goes awry within me.

I am thankful for this realization that the Lord ever reminds me of, especially in the summer here.
I am thankful for the tears from week one that helped me see a window into something amiss.
I am thankful for resolution, clarity, and simply having a bit less unknown that helped week two feel a bit better.

above:  yet again a cobblestone picture in which I find analogy.
I cannot see the whole of the path.
if I look too far ahead, I could very easily twist an ankle in the unevenness of the stony layout.
looks like there has been some rain on this path, as well.
without the rain, the light would not reflect in the puddles, and the parting of the clouds would not be so appreciated.

God is good.
all the time.

cheers,
kb.

I find myself thinking of this place this week more than usual.  yesterday, the 4th of june, was the third anniversary of my leaving this city I called home for three years.  I have now been back in the States as long as I lived abroad.

odd.
as most of you know I am certain if connected to the outside world, jubilee celebrations have been under way lately in london, and this lovely city will also, in a short while, be host of the 2012 olympic games.  exciting times in my fair metropolis across the pond.
I miss it.
I will always miss it.

a friend asked me yesterday, when I told of my anniversary:
"so, do you feel wiser?", a bit jokingly.
after a bit of thought, I replied, "hmmm...not really.", in an matched tone of jest.
(mostly to get a laugh from my audience and to avoid sounding...well, pompous, I suppose.)
it was not a moment for narrative but a moment of quick answer.

if I am completely honest, I do feel a bit wiser.  but not because I lived in this lovely land abroad.
not because of anything to do with me and my keenness or intelligence.
london is, indeed, lovely, but as much as I adore and miss said locale, it is not magical.
God is good, intentional, and sovereign.
london was a place I struggled, lived, and learned, but it is only a place.

sometimes I have to be reminded of this above fact as I have a bit of a romantic side (to say the least).
times such as this anniversary find me all the more idealistic and swimming in the pool of fondness.
God is good, intentional, and sovereign.
it is important for me to keep perspective clear.

oh how changed I am and how more who I am meant to be since my time lived in londontown.
so, this week, I reminisce.
this week, I am thankful.
this week, I remember.
thanks be to God.

cheers,
kb.

work week ends today.  

I actually have the day off, as we have a group arriving tomorrow and I have a last hosting role to fill for the season.  I am thankful both for today and for the upcoming week, as this past week, though full of joy as previously mentioned, has brimmed with energy, chatting, observing, re-entering...

it has been sensory overload in many ways.

I have continuously told myself to breathe. maybe I should practice now... 

{breathe.}

this door not only pleases me aesthetically with its contrast of colours and weathered appearance, but it also reminds me that there is something beyond its wooden frame that is currently a mystery.  it is unknown.  

I am filled with curiosity, excitement, anxiousness, nerves, and eagerness thinking about what lies ahead in the next dozen or so weeks.  

I am challenged to allow it all to happen as it does.  

to accept that I have little control over how life unfolds.  

so why would I choose to hold onto any worry?  

I pray I will remember to breathe, feel, and trust.

trust.  

stay clear.  

stay Close.

be thankful.

trust.

breathe.

(and...repeat)

good thing it is not up to me.  a very good thing.

cheers,

kb.  

work week is in session here at t dubs.
one of my absolute favourite signs that summer is about to begin is depicted above in the fresh mulch which is spread on our paths about camp.
after so many months of snow and heavy winds that blow branches and leaves over our steps and pathways, I absolutely love how a little fresh mulch provides such a groomed, clean appearance.
the lodge is filled literally to the brim with people, and there is never a quiet moment.  it is a stark change from my 9 month often cricket-chirping stillness.
it is taking some adjustment, to be sure.

my 'grandest' feeling at present is one of thankfulness that so many of my sweet friends have returned to their summer home...that I grin and laugh spontaneously thinking of conversations had over meals, in the hallways, or sitting in my office, with this community.

I keep shaking my head gleefully and thanking those around me for being here.
I have owned up to my overly gushy behaviour and simply tell them as they are my friends, they will just have to bear with me for a bit here at the beginning.
I am joyful.  it is difficult to keep this feeling to myself.
and I don't believe I am meant to do so.
with this joy also arrives necessity to breathe and not overdo.
God is faithful and knows how to prepare us for such transitions.
He continues to show me this character trait of His.
not only does He prepare,
but more importantly for me,
He meets me in the midst.
thanks be to God.  so sweet, so loving, so full of grace, so powerfully gentle.

God is good, and so are seasons.

cheers,
kb.

so, strangely enough, this is similar to the scene out my window today.
it snowed literally all day long.  as it is may, the snow was quite wet and has not stuck to the roads to make it treacherous, thankfully.
I suppose when you live at close to 9,000 ft, precipitation is more likely to be in the form of snow rather than rain. just completely bizarre and a bit annoying, if I am honest, though I know we need the moisture for the river this summer.
today and tomorrow are my weekend, as I hosted a group over the proper weekend, so I was given the luxury of sitting with just such a mug sipping coffee and watching movies.  an unexpected gift in the month of may.
mid-morning, I almost leapt out of my chair when I saw movement just in front of my window.  it was a deer.  I could have opened the window and petted it from my sofa.  oh, the wild west.

I am attempting to savour the last few days of quiet before summer officially begins.
do not get me wrong.  I could not be more excited for the beginning of the next season.
absolutely jonesing for it, in fact.
however, if life is always lived in the future, I just might miss out on what purpose might be meant for today.

I wonder what the summer will bring by way of lessons, laughter, and luster.
I can feel the energy surfacing... that spark that becomes so apparent within me when people arrive.
and I am sat thankful, as I anticipate where the Lord will show his love in big and small encounters.
in the words of my brilliant boss...  "it is so good.  so so good!"

cheers, 

kb.

And all things as they change 

proclaim the Lord eternally the same.

~Charles Wesley

transition is difficult.  

no matter how many times you have gone through it.  

no matter how old you are.  

no matter how long you have had a faith.  

no matter.

in this area of life, I find I have become a bit prideful.  I tend to think that since I have weathered a tremendous amount of change in the course of my adult life... moving houses, seeing friends get married and start families, moving towns, working various jobs (some at the same time), leaving people in multiple countries, changing jobs again, re-entering my native country, living in a sleepy mountain town after being in a city of millions that held my heart... 

the list goes on and on and will continue to do so.  

so easily I slip into being cocky about my skills in transitioning from one thing to another, rather than resting in the confidence that "I can do all this through Him who gives me strength". (phil.4.13)  

wait a minute.  

the first seventeen years of my life were spent with very little, very little, change at all.

then, I started my risk-taking journey into my adult life.  

I sort of think of these two portions of my life in a sort of a "the old has gone, the new has come" view, by way of practical, tangible steps.  

when the risks began, I realized faith is in my feet.  

I began to own my belief.

I began to learn "my name".

I began to need to lean into the Lord. 

so when I revert to my default, or my "old", I am reminded that life resides in the risking.  

that I prefer the battle to the comfort.  

I truly do.  because it takes me past myself.  WAY beyond myself.  thanks be to God.

here in lies the tension.

tis not about me, is it?  nope.  

are my feelings real and ok?  of course.

can I navigate it on my own?  maybe.

is it more difficult when I rely on my skills?  absolutely.

how quickly I forget.  

wow.

so, in actuality, reality can be quite the contrary... 

the more times I go through it, 

the older I get, 

and the longer I live with faith, 
the more I need help.  

I need help with the difficulty of change.  

perhaps I struggle a bit less with increase of frequency, number of years, and a deeper knowledge of the character of God, but 

never will I ever arrive.  

never will I not need help.

never will I not need to lean into the Peace.
never.  

today, I am grateful for this reminder.  

thanks be to God that all of this is not up to me.

truly.  

kb.