though my studies did not often take me to the brick and mortar library this semester, I do feel this image from the BPL appropriate. the first semester of my quest toward a master's degree is COMPLETE! colorado is quiet. this is not news to my spirit. it is for this solace and peace that I chose this locale for work on my advanced degree. I now know what sort of day-to-day life needs to look like to make certain school gets done well alongside regular life tasks. I can complete this degree. it was unknown and untouchable before this past handful of months. it now is a reality and somewhat known in its needs and rhythm. attainable. enjoyable. flexible. good. writing a personal narrative for one of my final assignments for one my classes, I sat and contemplated a number... six. the number of moves I have made since my world expanded quite literally. difficult to believe for me and for you, I would imagine, as well. searching for "home". searching for safe spaces to "become". to be honest, I have no indication that this search will cease anytime soon. I do not necessarily plan to keep moving locations as much as I have this past 10 years or so, but I will continue to seek out spots where I feel engaged, alive, challenged, and safe in spirit.
I certainly hope that my search for identity never ceases to be a quest of mine.
this next physical move, whenever it happens, I can tell you, will be with laser clear focus on a newly found vision for a path for which I have seen in the distance for some time and now is just within arms reach.
for over a decade, I have been talking about getting my master's degree in counseling. and tomorrow, I begin actual work toward accomplishing that goal.
goal-setting is not necessarily my forte.
there are many people who have wondered, I am certain, if I would ever figure out how to make this dream a reality.
recently, especially, I have made choices to prioritize certain things in my life, such as this quest, that have made some confused about what I thinking.
tomorrow, I embark on an important journey toward a grand goal,
and I am excited.
I love school.
my classroom this time around will be my tiny flat in a little town in colorado, and I will work a full day and then return home to simply open my computer and begin to read on "syllabus day".
and I will love every minute of it.
I hope school is starting well for everyone far and wide whether you are sending kiddos off in fresh outfits or beginning new classes yourself. there is no doubt we are all learning new things as the autumn begins.
ask questions and be brave.
sharpen some pencils or buy a fresh calendar and lean into the new season with me.
thank you for celebrating with me as you read this blog post.
tomorrow is my first day of school,
and I am excited.
"don't you just love new york in the fall. it makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils, if I knew your name and address."
cheers,
kb.
this week I met a girl called clara.
clara is five.
her grandpa, or "pop pop" as she calls him because in her words, accompanied by a palms up gesture of both hands, "he is our grandpa, so that makes sense", takes care of the landscaping at our property where I work. s
he was sitting in the lobby on one of our leather couches sipping water waiting on her brother. I walked around the counter to get some tea and struck up a conversation.
she is highly intelligent and articulate, speaking in intonation and nuance far older than her years.
clara told me all about her family, about how they live nearby but are currently in search of a tiny house for a move.
{sigh}... kiddos. oh how lovely.
today, clara again walked through our lobby door alongside her brother.
she pointed at me, saying something about how she and I talked yesterday. I greeted her, and she announced, "my shoes are on the wrong feet!", followed by a laugh and silly eye roll.
"can I help you switch those shoes, clara?", I inquired.
she nodded.
as we discussed her mismatched socks and whether double knots were her preference, I worked on getting her shoes sorted. as I untied and tied again, she told me all about what sort of flowers her pop pop was planting this afternoon, explaining that they were brown in colour, but not "the dead sort of brown". she assured me they do not plant dead flowers.
the storytelling ability in this little one delighted my spirit in a way I can hardly capture with words.
as her parents were waiting somewhere on the property for them both, I handed them both some fresh cold water and told them it was good to see them.
"good to see you, too!", clara said with a wave.
five year old friends may be my favourite of all time. forgive me, adult friends who read this, but those little ones give me a dose of simple, silly, and serene that I find few other places.
I hope you get to chat with a little one today or very soon.
don't pass up that opportunity.
they have the keys to life without a doubt.
I do not have a picture of clara, but this is another little friend of mine called mary grace (along with another couple pals that bless me) who always has showered my spirit with goodness.
just a few words that describe how love for people is meant to be handled. I do ok with that middle directive. generally, I have a natural affinity toward kindness, and I believe choosing to be so can literally change relationships in lasting, powerful ways.
now as for the other two "strong suggestions"...
a bit tougher for my spirit.
my childlike insides get wicked greedy on a regular basis. sweet time spent laughing, playing, sharing life leaves me overwhelmed with glee and thanks.
and then,
in a quite short amount of time, I am sat wanting more and more. sometimes that desire can even overshadow the sweetness of the aforementioned quality time I recently had been gifted.
oooooh, that frustrates me. when I let my selfishness steal the joy from the present moment.
ew.
in these moments of overwhelming thoughts of "the world revolves around kym", I am transported back to a time when I lived with a favourite friend called lee.
lee is lovely...smart, beautiful inside and out, people focused, loving, organized, disciplined, hilarious, intentional, giving...
her husband's name is clay. clay and lee met, dated, and got married during the time I shared a house with lee, and I still feel privileged to have gotten to witness their connection find its shape in those early days.
one day during their early days of finding their rhythm, I asked clay if it was difficult being patient with lee as she sorted what space was allotted for him in her life.
(in the beginning, lee was pretty guarded with her time and with her heart.)
clay, in my mind, personifies peace.
he replied, calmly,
"I consider all the time spent with lee as a gift. so, as much or as little as I get, I am thankful."
cue deep breath.
patience in the waiting, in the tension of the unknown and the unresolved...
with people in my life,
with violence in the world,
with situations that I think could be so much better with a little prevention and planning...
so challenging.
and, at the same moment, I think
what is the alternative?
emotions like bitterness and frustration with furrowed brows and a closed off heart?
a series studying the book of habakkuk has been timely these past few weeks as eagerness for resolution of tension in life overwhelms us all.
I hope I continue to choose to breathe into the tension today.
when I have chosen the other less joy-filled alternative, I don't even want to hang out with me.
why would others want to? that makes my goal of connection significantly less reachable.
(I chose that more negative alternative as recently as yesterday.)
may today bring more choice for perspective, breath, and living in the present for us all.
a first view of this particular sort of majesty as I turned a corner in may on my most recent cross country drive.
breath.
taking.
a spring greeting to me upon moving into my new colorado home. poppies are a forever favourite since my definition of home expanded to include london. their meaning across the pond connotes remembrance and honour.
lovely.
words of truth that run on a loop in my head and heart as of late.
peace.
not from people or from any situation or setting I can control. which makes me think of the
new avett brothers music out this week which I am listening to on a joyful loop.
I think when you find it, your spot with your people, and then it crumbles, you mourn.
and there is no timeframe or predictability on grief.
loss is felt forever, perhaps. and in a way, I certainly hope it is.
if I do not remember and feel a sense of loss, I cease to feel the joy and love that swirled within that time with those people, as well. it is a package deal.
the good news is that the hurt does not always feel the same. it is not always all-encompassing.
not always tear-inducing.
not eternally full of details that take me back to exactly the time and space of how it all fell apart.
the joy and laughter rises higher in the sea of emotions than the pain, as time moves forward.
thanks be to God.
@joshuaradin
the triggers for remembering and relishing can be as obvious as ink on skin or as sneaky as a song popping up on a shuffle.
how does one let go of a season and yet seek to recreate the elements of said time as much as humanly possible to enable forward movement and the best version of oneself?
I think we all struggle to some degree with how we "grow up" and yet stay silly and full of life. it is very possible that I am deeper in this challenge than any other human on the planet. (I never exaggerate.)
when "what do you love to do?" as a question leads to a laundry list, looking for the best spot can be a bit daunting.
my wise brother has advised me recently to work mindfully on my focus.
goal setting.
5 year plan.
life map.
even typing these words makes me scrunch up face and shake my head. many of you are not surprised by my aversion, as my moves and job changes are evidence of my resistance.
I am not against having these things, per say. I simply want to lie down and take a nap when the picture gets too big or vague. as a detail driven person, 'casting a vision' can be a bit too spacious for my comfort.
baby steps.
breathing.
I will admit that my adoration for words, semantics, and definition can paralyze my spirit. that hyper-focus on meaning can stop my forward progress.
thankfully, the Lord is gracious. he knows, I think, that when I get stuck, I need my feelings to be frustrated to propel me into action.
when I do not feel well, I do something about it.
when I feel great, I do something about it.
a handful of weeks ago, I was gifted with a quick trip to colorado to see some sweet friends and breathe in some mountain air.
my word, that little mountain town is gloriously surrounded with majesty!
(cue deep breath.)
and
I
breathed.
driving my utah-plated rental car through the windy mountain roads, I was struck by the deep contrast between city life and small town. it has been four years since I lived in this natural, mostly untouched beauty, and here it sat much like I left it. the tiny towns in between denver and bueni are many, some I remembered and some I had forgotten their names. the mix of familiarity and re-discovery is so common in my story of having many places I call "home".
this cocktail of feelings makes me smile
every
time
it washes over me.
________________________
familiarity and discovery.
yes.
I need them both for health.
________________________
three hour chats. a hike full of enlightenment and trouble breathing such thin air. tacos and smiling eyes. copious amounts of coffee at a diner talking to new friends who started out as strangers. soaking up vitamin d while wearing fleece jackets and flip-flops. authentic connection.
my people.
space.
healing.
good.
so so good.
as you would imagine, I returned to boston with my spirit and mind in a state of deep contemplation.
as I process, there are two things that I know I need...
forward movement.
less fear.
sorting out the action steps to accompany these two isms, is and needs to be a process for this childlike spirit I possess.
sitting here happily in my new ringer v-neck t shirt found yesterday at my goodwill and jeans with knees exposed from holes worn in over a period of over five years, I smile as I am assured that some things will always stay steady, even if it is as simple as my adoration for an old t-shirt and a pair of holey jeans. (stay a kid, people. truly. it makes you smile spontaneously, and we all need more smiling eyes.)
the details of my process I will keep from reporting here for now. I will say that I may have a more of a "life plan" than I have had in years past, in that I feel like I know a bit more about what elements are non-negotiable and feel like my feeling trigger is closer to the surface than ever to hopefully enable me to keep moving...
slow and steady.
faith
is
in
my
feet.
may we lean into peace, keep rooted in what we know is truest about ourselves at our best, and be mindful of any sneaky distractions that would pull us off our paths.
years and days since I have written, yes?
accessibility to ease of typing has been a bit impaired in recent months. in the words of a dear friend,
"my sincerest apologies".
believe me, I feel it.
when I stop writing, I feel it.
new england is home once more.
feels as if I never left.
feels like I have been here only a handful of months.
concurrently. evenly. literally.
working on creating a life here.
interesting how a couple years down the road perspective changes.
thank the good Lord above for perspective.
truly.
this is a first.
moving to a place I have lived before of my own volition.
still a shift.
still transition.
still a lot at times.
time to write.
the book has begun. structure has been found in chapter titles, and I am thrilled to be awoken from my paralysis which seems to set in when life is to vague. in every facet of my life,
connection is important.
by way of information.
by way of instruction.
by way of observation.
by way of conversation.
by way of touch.
without something to afix, I haze over and lose interest.
so as I seek a life lived to the full here in boston, I look for connection points. a few are in the works, and hope resides for many more to surface.
as I am going, I aspire to breathe...
