is for...
decision.
one of the life lessons I learned during my time in my last 'home' in the mountains was that of the ever-present reality of
tension.
particularly in my first year, I found myself sure I was in the right location and yet my feelings often lived in a state of frustration and feeling out of place, like I was constantly squirmy within myself.
may I define this "tension"?
essentially, I am speaking of the feelings and knowledge not necessarily being on the same page. and allowing that seemingly confused and uncomfortable state to just...
be.
the intersection of being a child and an adult. age is irrelevant. we are all junior high kids inside in certain situations, regardless how many years we fill in the blank on requisite fields that ask for our date of birth.
or maybe it's just me.
having spent a significant part of my life thus far in full time 'people-work', personality assessments have been prevalent. I actually enjoy taking them every time. I am fascinated by tendencies, gifting, and strength discovery...in others and in myself. I am a big believer in self-awareness, as I feel it leads to going through life more awake and more capable of celebrating personal victories.
I also hold a fascination for uncovering so much about each other and yet still never reaching the end of the mystifying inner workings of any person.
so so good.
as much as I identify, I still am left with questions and surprise.
creation is
beautiful
and
holy.
my current ambiguous state feels both familiar and uncharted.
transition is a process I have navigated. it usually appears slowly, with a feeling of a sort of heart displacement. my friend, david usrey, put words to this feeling many years ago when my heart began stirring toward what I would find out was a move across the atlantic. he spoke of feeling like his heart had gone somewhere else, but he did not know where it was exactly. bit by bit, with time, the location showed itself. for him and his family, it was paris, france.
each time this feeling of 'out of sorts' has cropped up within me, I have learned to lean in and listen. sometimes I am eager to listen.
other times I dig my heels in and keep busy to avoid the stillness where the leading is spoken.
this time, wrestling ensued.
in my child-like spirit, if I like something, I like it deeply.
I am passionate about these things.
and I LIKE boston.
I resist change all the more when I do not understand all my 'why?' questions.
thankfully, I also thrive when given directions, even if only given one at a time.
so,
I am following.
in a couple weeks, I will go to arkansas for the holidays, and in my vw jetta will be the contents of my room where I presently reside in boston.
it all seems quite quick, and sticking with the theme of this post, simultaneously, it feels as if it has been in the works for some time.
boston is now a part of my ongoing and ever-expanding definition of home.
my storyline is not complete here, because relationships remain in this city.
connections that have taken time and intentionality in ways I have previously not experienced.
these new england residing friends are precious in a different way.
not better.
different.
sweet.
set apart.
more questions reside within me than answers at this moment.
and, yet, I know I needed to lean into this...
shift.
to lean in to a Leading.
and, so I decided.
and peace has crept in.
so, with only a small beam of light just in front of me,
I breathe,
and move.
cheers,
kb.
{photo via: a well traveled woman.}
