et tendant vers ce qui est en avant... (phil. 3.13)
this saying to the left has become prominent as of late in regard to elizabeth warren's resistance toward being silenced. I do not currently find myself in a place where people are unwilling to hear what I have to say, but I do very much like the sentiment and tenacity that this sentence speaks to my spirit.
whether up against a foe or a challenge or feeling a bit underneath stigma or lacking confidence, this charge carries connotation of effort, determination, and moxie.
I speak often of transition and change. so much so that it almost seems rote or shoulder-shrugging typical, and though it has become a normal state of being for me in perhaps more obvious, tangible ways than some other people, the truth which also lies in this constant shifting is that it is full of emotion, loss, gain, and mindfulness.
my address is being altered beginning in march to a residence that is not a foreign one but one I call familiar.
it could seem like a "going-back".
but it is not.
it is a mindful decision to move forward.
I had a couple of questions that I needed to have answered here in this mountain town, and that task having now been accomplished, the next chapter needs to begin.
the choices others make, at times, make me sad.
the choices I make, at times, make others sad, I know, as well. (I wish that were not so.)
but you know what?
life is not a quest to avoid sadness.
it is about living life to the full.
and feeling it ALL.
loving to the grandest, bravest extent.
so, I am doing my best to live fully and sometimes that means more transition, whether my spirit would choose that decision firstly or not.
I try to build relationships that last a lifetime. so, ending any connection in a way that feels unfinished, hurt-filled, or lost leaves a wound.
every.
time.
mourning never ceases on some level because life lived alongside friends, layers in shared moments, inside jokes, memories of connection points which constantly pop up in day to day life no matter what my address happens to read. so, I want to send that text, picture, or reference when I see it to make that friend laugh or smile knowingly on the other end of the phone. needing to stop short of pushing that arrow that indicates it will reconnect us...
hurts.
I respect the boundary. I intellectually acknowledge the distance to be in place.
I will never like it.
this change holds opportunity and hope.
I am thankful for a lifeboat that has been extended. it is a wise decision to accept it.
right now, I am sat feeling tired.
peaceful.
tired.
sad.
hopeful.
thankful.
"sometimes the best way to go is to just go on."
-kimmy schmidt.
cheers,
kb.
